Thomas Hardy gets wasted, sells his wife and child, and thinks, "This is an awesome idea for a novel."


Carbon Dating

February 2009
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25 Random Things About Me (All True!) You Would Just as Rather Not Know


There it goes again.

The blight known as Facebook has now foisted upon us the "25 Random Things" chain letter, in which people post 25 random factoids about themselves, and tag other Facebook friends to do the same. That bloggers have been doing this type of thing for the last five years appears not to have impeded the popularity of of "25 Random Things."

Being that a) I was tagged,  b) I try to avoid Facebook like light beer and Republicans, and c) I think everyone is getting sick of this, I post my own list, all things that are bad, humiliating, or have other negative connotations. Except for two, one of which involves the greatest TV theme song ever played.


1. The first time I got high, I urinated on something, but I can’t remember what it was.

2. I used to listen to Simon & Garfunkle’s "Big Bright Green Pleasure Machine" on my parent’s turntable and imagine I was on television singing it, dancing and gesticulating to my imagined, adoring life studio audience.  I continued this behavior from age eight until sometime last year. 

3. I’ve gotten in three car accidents, but only two were my fault, and one was when I was 18, so it doesn’t count.

4. My sister made fun of my lousy efforts me during my quixotic quest to be a soccer goalie in high school. In anger, I threw a piece of chicken at her. Like most of my athletic endeavors, it missed the mark.

5. The closest I’ve come to dying, metaphorically speaking, was when a friend and I were driving to a basketball game in high school when a cop pulled us over—my friend was about to light up a joint in the car. The cop, enraged we did not stop immediately, searched the car, padded me down, and gave me three tickets. He didn’t find my friend’s pot. But I saw my life crumbling before my eyes.

6. When I was a teenager, I was a total loser when it came to asking girls out on dates.

7. When I became an adult, I remained a total loser when it came to asking women out on dates.

8. Codicil to #6: Masturbation.

9. Codicil to #7: Masturbation.

10. The number of inappropriate women I’ve slept with far exceeds the number who were actually appropriate. If you’re reading this, and I’ve had sex with you, that means you were definitely appropriate.

11. Once, when The Who were on tour back in the 1980s, they tried to make a stop in a city I was living, but the only night they could play, Billy Joel had booked a concert at the only suitable arena. Joel, who could have moved his concert a day, refused, making 12,000+ wieners happy in the metropolitan area. So if you think Billy Joel is better than The Who, I can’t be friends with you, and I think you suck.

Joel: don’t get me started

12. I have urinated on the basin of my toilet in order to clean it. Try it some time—the remove the blackish buildup from three months of not cleaning, aim right for the heart of the stain.

13. You’ve entered middle age when you have to trim your ear hair. Not that I would know.

14. Next to deaths in my family, the worst two days of my life was when I was eight and my puppy ran away. I cried non-stop over a weekend. I’ll never forget opening the front door and seeing a person in the neighborhood holding my dog. That was probably the happiest moment of my life. The following year, she had puppies, and she lived another 16 years.

15. If you try to tell me about the superiority of cats to dogs, not only will I question your judgment, but your sanity.

16. Jobs that I’ve had include: horse-carriage driver, costumed pizza parlor mascot, pizza delivery driver, McDonald’s indentured servant, camp counsellor, civil servant, cafeteria worker, window washer, hospital policy manual writer, the guy who tries to sell you an apartment when you walk into the front office, pseudo-software writer (fired), twice a busboy for a day (fired from first place, didn’t show up for my second day of work at the latter), survey taker, and temp office worker (I tested out at 90 wpm). Amazingly, none of the jobs panned out as a career.

17. I would tell you the time I was most humiliated, but there are far too many candidates to choose from.

18. There are people in my extended family I don’t like very much. You know who you are, except that I don’t talk to you and you don’t know Bookfraud exists.

19. I have nicknames for bowel movements, including Thunderdump; All-Star Crapathon; Human Shitstorm; Laying a Lincoln Log; Tossing the Whole Bakery, not Just a Loaf.

My favorite, however, has a literary pedigree: Turdgantua.

20. My formula for life: (Times Having Sex*Number of Partners2)+Money When You Die+Number of Children Who Don’t Hate You5/(Number of Major Disappointments Involving Women, Money and Publishing+Hospital Visits3)+(Years in Therapy*Money Spent on Therapy). If your number is > 1 when you die, you’ve had a successful life.

21. I watched so much television growing up that I knew each night’s network schedule. As a result, I do not speak a foreign language, play an instrument, cook,mountain climb or participate in any activity that entails paying any attention for more than 15 seconds. However, I know what "Book ‘em, Danno" means. 

Also, I will say without equivocation: the theme song and title credits from "Hawaii Five-0" are the greatest in television history. I mean, that song totally kicks ass. And the tracking shot when they zoom in on Jack Lord at light speed is totally badass. Totally.


I will look for any excuse whatsoever to run this

22. One of my grandmothers was a country Baptist girl who got a nursing degree and made something out of herself. But I was sometimes ashamed of her, and didn’t want her around my friends out of fear she’d say something embarrassing. 

23. I have visited blogs because the subject was sexual. I’ve visited porn sites for the same reason, believe it or not.

24. On more than one occasion, I have reduced someone to tears.

25. All of the above.

7 comments to 25 Random Things About Me (All True!) You Would Just as Rather Not Know

  • LOL
    morale being loosers end up jacking off – u silly folk

  • Dear Book Fraud:
    I am fascinated by your blog. It is listed as a favorite link on almost all of the literary blogs, unlike my relatively new blog, and I can’t quite figure out what category your blog falls into, if any. You are hilarious, self-deprecating, witty, insightful, lugubrious at times, a doting dad, but…but…where’s the book? Is there a book? Did you already write the book and are trying to get it published? Have you even started the book? Is this blog a massive attempt to avoid writing the book? By commenting are we enabling this process? What’s going on here? Did I miss something that’s staring me in the face? I’ve been known to do that quite often, to my great embarassment. I am perplexed. Could you perhaps kindly provide me with a Guide to the Perplexed on how to respond here as I would like to be an active participant but am somewhat of a tight ass?
    Ms. Squirrel

  • Okay, no kidding… Number twenty-two just described my Baptist retired-nurse grandmother to a “T”.

  • Glad to see you are posting again, BF. Hope the job hunt and your life in general is going well.

    I have to agree with Ms. Squirrel that your blog is hard to categorize, and very funny. I’d style it ascerbic and sarcastic, but it’s damn funny.

  • Bookfraud, I miss you. Blog again please!

  • hahahaha hilarious post.

  • Ron

    I agree totally on Hawaii Five-0 theme and opening! (And your No. 10 is quite good.)

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