Thomas Hardy gets wasted, sells his wife and child, and thinks, "This is an awesome idea for a novel."


Carbon Dating

February 2009
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Gimme More


Please sir. I want some more.

More? You want more?

Yes, sir.

Ah…just what the hell are you doing here, anyway? Wearin' that fancy suit 'n piece a' silk 'ya neck?

Oh, that. I got my ass fired from the place where I worked for over a decade.

Blimey, I understand. It's just that we don't get too many older 'uns from the 21st Century here. 'Specially those who sound like they come over from the colonies.

The United States hasn't been a colony of England for over 200 years. And I don't understand the dynamics of the space-time continuum myself.

What the 'ell are you talkin' about?

Oh, I meant, "I don't understand the dynamics of the space-time continuum meeself, sir."

That's better, laddie. Oliver Twist, it is?

I've been called worse. Of course, I'm not a fictional character or metaphor for a street urchin.

Stop talkin' in ya' fancy-pants Cambridge talk! Get the feck out of here, you slimy Yank!

Just can I have something to eat? It will serve as a metaphor for feeding my hunger for approval, now that I've been unemployed for several months.

Off with 'ya, I say!

A week later…

You sure have a funny way about you. What's with all the fucked-up dance moves?

Why, I'm the Artful Dodger.

I hate the Dodgers. They swept the Cubs in the playoffs. Get the fuck out of my face.

What? I'm gonna teach you the ways of the streets, m'boy.

Do I look like I need your help?

As a 'atter of fact, you look a bit downtrodden. There's a stain on your scarf.

What is it with you people and ties? And that stain is soup. From the orphanage. But I'm not an orphan. I'm Bookfraud, 21st Century Writer and victim of the financial malaise gripping the world.

Financial crisis, you say? Why, I know just the bloke to help 'ya! He's a Jew!

Guinness as Obi-Yid Kenobi

Don't tell me—his name is Fagan, he has an enormous schnozz, and he makes Shylock look like Jesus.

Egads, the man reads minds! How ya' know?

I was an English major, what else?

Upstairs in a hidden attic, the Artful Dodger leads Bookfraud to a dark corner where a deformed old man with a nose the size of Queen Victoria's left buttock is counting his money.

Stay back, I say! Stay in the light where I can see ya!

Uh, OK. How come I have a feeling I already know you?

Shat up, ya' pathetic ragamuffin!

I'm 44-years old. Do I look like a "ragamuffin"?

Well, blimey, you are a bit on the old side to be doing this type of work.

I don't steal stuff, if that's what you're talking about. Even if I wanted to pick pockets for you, I've got the manual dexterity of an office chair.


Just forget it, old man. I'm not going to steal for you. I'm a writer and I'm looking for a job.

A writer? No wonder 'ya don't 'ave a job! Nobody knows how to read, everyone knows that. And if you did read, why do you need to hire someone to write for 'ya? It's bloody stupid, I say.

I guess things were the same in the 1850s as in 2009.

You do look like you shouldn't be here. What you same your name was?

Bookfraud—it's a pseudonym.

You do fraud on books? You'll fit just nicely 'round here, just nicely!

No, I—

You a regular 'ookkeeper with a crooked streak to ya? We could make so much more with you 'round.

No, no, I chose the name because…oh, never mind. Let's just say I'm not a crooked bookeeper…crooked bookkeeping…why does that ring a…hey—now I recognize you!

Oh, don't tell me you're with the police? I never done nothing illegal in my life!

You're supposed to be Fagan, Dickens' anti-Semitic character in Oliver Twist!

What are you talkin' about? I don't know any Dickens, but me name is Fagan—

You're not Fagan! You're Bernie Madoff! Shit! You've done more to set back Jews than anyone since Barry Manilow! I hate you! You're the reason I'm going to reattach my foreskin!

Off with 'ya! Get out of my attick, you non-interest-paying traitor!

With pleasure! I hate you, Madoff! You've given anti-Semites around the world more reason to hate me! They hate me even more than I hate me! Thanks a lot, you fucking wanker!

Bernie sucks

Why, you…people gave me their money, you buffoon! I only took from other Jews! They were just too stupid to question the returns—

Shut the fuck up! I'm outta here. But I have one question.

An' what might that be?

Can you get me Victoria Beckham's autograph?

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3 comments to Gimme More

  • blimey! me like this right ‘ere.

  • Clearly, someone has been reading too much poorhouse literature. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, not if that person is also very funny, which you are. I’m glad you’re posting.

  • Fox News reported today, 90 year old man in Florida lost $700K to this *sshole. Poor man has to bag groceries now to survive. Lost his retirement!
    Madoff is SCUM!
    I wonder if anyone in the Government took kicks from this guy and knew what he was up to. No one can tell me that someone in the SEC didn’t know what was happening!

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