1. All happy families are alike, Bookfraud’s family is unhappy in its own way.
2. My family prefers sibling rivalries over Oedipal dramas.
3. Someone in my family provoked me for watching election results on CNN.
4. Someone in my family provoked me for feeding Baby organic food and milk.
5. Someone in my family provoked me.
6. Even when you stay with relatives for free, you pay a price.
7. Going on vacation with a baby is like going on a vacation with a hernia — you really never can forget it’s there.
8. My mother is a wonderful grandmother; my sibs are wonderful aunts and uncles.
9. When he gets older, Baby will get whatever material possessions he wants from my mother, including my inheritance, which he will spend on strippers and a Corvette.
10. When traveling, traits about your partner that are trivially annoying or even charming in domestic life become unbearable, especially my traits.
11. Getting children to sit still for a family photo is like trying to get flies off a shitstick.
12. While watching cousins under the age of five is like trying to referee a dog fight.
13. It’s a miracle Wife hasn’t left me yet.
14. It’s a miracle Baby hasn’t done the same.
15. The perfect Jewish family gathering consists entirely of food and talk.
16. Calories still count when you’re on vacation.
17. When he wrote "No Exit," Sartre had a major metropolitan airport in mind.
Gate agent Queue, reporting to duty
18. Northwest Airlines is run by buffoons.
19. Though Alitalia makes Northwest look like efficiency incarnate.
20. There are three stages of a flight during which Baby will cry inconsolably: takeoff, landing, and everything in between.
21. I’ve become one of "those people" on airplanes who I once cursed for not being able to control their screaming kid.
22. Despite his wailing, Baby is the most charming scoundrel ever to crawl the face of the earth, charming half the people on the flight by pointing at them and smiling.
23. The other half were sleeping or pretended not to notice.
24. Parenting "style" boils down to two things: what you give your kid to eat and what you let him or her watch on television.
25. My nephews are wonderful little boys, and I’m not a bad uncle, especially in teaching them the finer points of beer.
26. One’s best efforts to engage others who don’t share your interests are doom to failure.
27. "Iron Man" is a pretty cool movie.
28. Without a book, I’m miserable.
29. When I don’t have a book to read or computer to write with, I watch too much television.
30. David Archuletta is the guy who gets stuffed in a high school locker.
31. David Cook is bound for stardom as the world’s hairiest lounge singer.
32. Singing "Imagine" is pointless without a piano accompaniment.
33. The setting for "Grey’s Anatomy" should be moved from Seattle Grace Hospital to Lesbian Hospital Staffed by Hot Nympho Doctors.
34. Nobody’s children are as adorable as your own.
35. When your child has cried for more than 5 minutes, no matter what the situation, only ice cream will get him or her to stop.
36. Baby yelling at 112 decibels in a crib 3 feet from one’s bed is rather unpleasant, especially when it’s at 3 a.m.
37. The next time, I will pay my family to allow Baby to sleep in another room.
38. Given what I saw of energy consumption my hometown, the United States is doomed.
The things you learn watching TV
39. Strip malls are the original meme.
40. I missed my blog, I missed reading others’ blogs, and, most of all, I missed writing.
41. I didn’t miss this nutjob, not that I ever read her in the first place.
42. Family arguments erupt over stupid things; silence abounds for important ones.
43. Don’t bring your baby when visiting your father’s gravesite.
44. Especially don’t bring your baby when he’s hungry or tired, and if he’s hungry and tired, not even heroin will calm him.
45. No matter how much you spend on expensive toys and stuffed animals, your child will always prefer playing with an empty plastic bottle.
46. Kid vomit smells just as vile when it lands on a family heirloom.
47. Underminers at work will double their efforts when you’re out of the office.
48. Rye whiskey is like acid reflux in a bottle.
49. Don’t break out the booze if things are going especially well or poorly.
50. But make an exception for family.
See – despite how everyone tells me that childhood is a miracle and I should run out and have about a dozen of the little parasites, I had my husband fixed and I drink a lot of booze to ensure that never happens.
Vacations are arduous affairs and I’m glad we try to not include my family when we travel, unless we need someplace to crash and it will only be for a few nights.
Glad you’re back.
I go on that vacation every August! Thanks for the memories! Coping hint: mojitos.
Little known fact: I went to college with Michelle Malkin, though she had a different name then (Mickey Maglalang). Her boyfriend, now husband, had the dorm room next to mine one year. Boy, did I ever hate the music he and his roommate played.
Nice to see you back.
Welcome back. Damn co-workers.
Vivid, hilarious, and universally true…but all the more so in Jewish families.
Still laughing. Glad to see you enjoyed yourself.
montilee: but childhood is a miracle. for the grandparents.
i actually enjoyed taking the little bugger to see his grandmother — it had been months — but the particulars were a beeotch. life as a parent. of course it’s all worth it.
rellis: if you go on that vacation every august, you’ll be happy to take my boy along on your next one.
mojitos are great; stoli is better.
what music did michele malkin’s then-boyfriend-now-husband play?
it’s good to be back. for real.
fringes: thanks. can you recommend a hit man? or woman?
writer reading: glad you found the vacation memories funny. are you an m.o.t., and have particular insight into the vacation habits of jewish families? just askin’.
kofi: just stop laughing long enough for another drink. i did enjoy myself, in spite of it all.
Welcome back, bf! The best thing about a vacation with family is the return home when you realize you prefer your own crazy disorganization to everyone else’s.
Vomit! Alochol! Guilt! Screaming in the Night!
Sounds like a great trip.
I’m glad you’re back.
xo,
Lily
Welcome back.
“Someone in my family provoked me.”
It might go back some three or four hundred years, but this says to me that we are distantly related.
“Even when you stay with relatives for free, you pay a price.”
We are absolutely related.
“Going on vacation with a baby is like going on a vacation with a hernia — you really never can forget it’s there.”
If not the baby, then the car seat will constantly remind you.
“While watching cousins under the age of five is like trying to referee a dog fight.”
One occasion, The Missus had to babysit over a dozen munchkins and she realized that she would never be able to corral them all. She simpled opened a book and started reading. Lo and behold, they all sat down beside her after about a minute.
Yes, Bookfraud, I am a m.o.t. Big Time. I think I mentioned something about it on the Bubbie post. Yes, sadly to say, firsthand knowledge.
Welcome home – and thank you for this wonderful list of family foibles, misery and humor. It made me smile, and I really needed to smile.
I was especially impressed that you got the whole family dramady down in 50 sentences without sparing truth or being overly maudlin.
It is a pleasure to read your work.
I’m never having kids. I applaud those who do, but I’ll remain a childless spinster.
Congratulations on surviving. I’m very glad to read that you didn’t leave your child with your parents despite the fact that it might have seemed like a really good idea.
~dies, laughing~
Especially about the nephews and the beer.
We’re leaving Wednesday for a family reunion to Wisconsin. Flying with husband, two teenagers, sister, and two nephews under five. On Northwest Airlines.
Heaven help us.
Thanks for the post…may print out key points to carry and re-read at trying moments, i.e. when I’m weeping quietly in the 2×2 lavatory, just to be alone.