"I now have 70 friends on Facebook,"Wife chirped on what had previously been a nice Sunday morning.
I mumbled something back about how I had perhaps 30, and left the room. For if April is the cruelest month,Wife was making May a close second,rubbing her Facebook in my face.
Fortunately,Facebook,the greatest threat to writers since the invention of distilled whiskey,is summarily ignorable. However,it seems that a lot of people are worried about the number of "friends"they have on Facebook, like your typical blogger obsess on the number of comments on his or her blog.
I tried to like Facebook,I really did. On my Facebook page,you can see a photo of a smiling,ugly fellow (me) holding a smiling,beautiful boy (Baby). It was taken several months ago,and Baby’s toothless grin is so adorable that I’ve been tempted to enter it into a contest,so he can perhaps make a little scratch,considering how much the little brat has already cost me.
Unfortunately,it’s a cute enough picture that I’ve been assaulted by friends,family,and even strangers who want to add me as a "friend."A few weeks ago,I received an e-mail from a stranger who wanted to become "friends,"being that she was new to Facebook,and,being a parent herself,thought a dude with a cute kid would be a safe place to start.
I thought it was safe,for me,too. Until the "quizzes"started. And the tidal wave of e-mail,and "sexy applications"that I was asked to "join."
I know some of these people well,some not-so-well,and some,not at all;this latter condition,however,has not stopped these Facebook folk from sending me the following "requests:"
Erik Pervert invites you to the Butt-Sniffing Test!
Suzie Narcissist is giving you FuckedUP Karma!
Terry Strangertoyou wants you to see If You’ll Enjoy Toejam!
Most of these "applications"are far less noxious than the ones above,but I am bombarded with every single change someone makes on their Facebook page (I know,you can change these settings,but still).
I realize that Facebook and MySpace and its ilk were really not designed for 43-year-old curmudgeons,which would be me. But the largest demographic group joining Facebook is —sit down,please —people over 30,making it the MySpace for the generation Mick Jagger said he couldn’t trust (long before the Rolling Stones’tours were sponsored by Depends).
This makes Facebook an excuse for us older folk to pretend that we’re 16 again. Or to gratify those older folk who enjoy sharing news of every urinary tract infection or enlarged prostate with relative strangers and strange relatives.
Zuckerberg points the way to destruction
I’m sure some of you love Facebook,and that it serves as a convenient way to keep current with friends and family. And I have actually reconnected with a couple of people through Facebook who I had not talked to in years. It’s not that Facebook is inherently evil,like the Yankees,Barnes &Noble,or light beer enthusiasts.
No,Facebook is most like television. In and of itself,there’s nothing wrong with it. But it can become a monster that destroys one’s free time like fate crushes Oedipus (once and crushingly) or like Godzilla destroys Tokyo (repeatedly and often). For a writer,this makes Facebook a dangerous thing indeed.
From the rafters,I can hear the calls: You’re slamming Facebook as a time-wasting activity —and you’re a blogger? How can you condemn it? You’re a hypocrite!
Fair enough. So let’s compare:
| Blogger | Facebook User |
| Obsess about number of page views,comments | Obsess about the number of "friends" |
| Spend hours writing,thinking,posting | Spend hours trying to nab new "friends" |
| Worry that your latest post isn’t good | Worry that your "friends"are bigger losers than you are —or that you’re a bigger loser than your "friends" |
| Forces you to think of topics | Forces you to rethink your definition of "friends" |
| Must deal with annoying comment spam,trackback spam,and bloviating,angry commenters | Must deal with your annoying "friends"who will post every notice of a nosehair clipping on their Facebook page |
This obsession with "friends"is as real as the huge number of horndogs who tried getting this curvy lass back her camera. In fact,as far as I can tell,this might be the main purpose of Facebook. Once you pass 10 or 20 friends,there’s no way to keep up with all the crapola on everybody else’s Facebook page,so getting "friends"becomes a thing onto itself.
Of course,that Wife has 70 such contacts I have less than half that that isn’t surprising,since she’s beautiful,outgoing,and social,whereas I am hatchet-faced,shy,and anti-social. And most of my "friends"are members of her extended family.
But honey,the Barcalounger isn’t just the world’s most comfortable chair,it’s a way of life
But Wife’s sly dig at me soon boomeranged on her —an hour later,she got an e-mail from a long-lost contact who found her on Facebook. Too bad it’s a shrill neurotic Wife’s been avoiding for years.
Popularity,it seems,comes with a price tag.
"You get what you deserve,"I said,and for once,she had to agree. Now only if I could get her to agree to that Barcalounger.
So I guess you don’t want to be my facebook friend. Too bad. I’m
currently getting my butt walloped in Scramble by a woman
I knew back in 4th grade.
Dude,I wish there were a blogging award committee to which I could nominate your post. Just terrific. As good as any humor columnist I can think of.
Don’t sweat all wifey’s facebook friends. When they start coming for overnight visits,THEN worry. And when she suggests you take the couch and let the guests use the bed…Well,then I’ll know you married my ex.
Love the chart. Completely accurate. God,do I hate those lame applications. Somehow I am on the Oregon Trail. What IS that? And which of my “friends”can I blame for getting me involved?
Your chart made me realise how much more there is to obsess about as a blogger. Poor facebook doesn’t seem that awful in comparison,well,aside from the constant redefinition of friendship and loser. Annoying apps aren’t even that bad (where would I be w/out scrabulous?). What is annoying is the whole foto envy thing —is everyone under 24 really that good looking?? I don’t think so. I think the young ‘uns are just clever at knowing how to pose. Damn the myspace/facebook generation. Damn them.
Lol…so funny.
I refused to join MySpace when it became increasingly popular because I felt it was a little goofy. When “real life friends”tried to convince me to join Facebook,a few years later,I wouldn’t join simply out of principle. Why is it so important to people? I still hear from old friends who say “You gotta get on Facebook!”
Are you kidding me? I can’t even keep up with my email,not to mention to my blog,and now you want ME to join another site,just to make things more convenient for YOU? I don’t think so.
rellis:i would love to be your facebook friend. this,however,would entail knowing my true identity. and knowing the true identity of wife. and once you “meet”wife,you’d never want to have to do anything with me again.
dwightwannabe:thank you for the kind word. instead of nominating this post,i’ll take cash.
so your ex-wife had friends from facebook sleep in your bed? ouch. but at least you have a sense of humor about it.
leigh:you have hit the nail on the head. yes,what is “the oregon trail”“application”? and why can’t you put a hit on the person who subjected you to it?
kalliope:i respectfully disagree. facebook is far more time-wasting and counter-productive for writers. at least you can find other writers’blogs. but those annoying applications…sheesh.
melissa:i have no idea why facebook is so important to people. i guess the internet has become such a primary m.o. for communication for some people.
and yes,why make this more convenient for others when it is just a pain in the ass for me?
BF:so,you’re married to Hillary Clinton? This is all beginning to make a strange sort of sense.
Hilarious observations,BF,and the reason I will never have a Facebook page. (Besides,they’re blocked at work.)
I have a sense that soon we’ll have to have an LCD sign hanging around our necks as we wander in public. On it will be our web,blog or facebook pages. This will be the new clique identifier for high school kids. Nerds and brains get blogs or web sites;cheerleaders and the popular (read:vacuous) crowd gets facebook and related social sites. Nah. Who’m I kidding? We’ll be wearing see-through masks with the screens over our faces!
If it makes you feel any better,I have TWO facebook friends. The person who asked me to be their friend and my nephew,who’s all of twenty three and couldn’t very well say no when I asked him to be my friend because my brother would kill him.
I did spend a weird forty-five minutes considering whether I really wanted to ask people I went to law school and college with to be my friend,when they had never before been my friend,before I collapsed in a heap on the floor and decided to never use it again.
Except now that I know you’re on there,and there’s a cute baby picture involved,well….
i dont have a face book page,im a word man
My sons informed me that I am not permitted to have a Facebook account. Their reason –I am too old. As they are merciless in their taunts,in the interest of preserving my self esteem I dare not sign up. I do know one of their friend’s mother is on Facebook complete with a picture of her in a bikini and tons of 14 year old “friends.”
Yuck.
I have a blog,two MySpace pages and I’m on Facebook. I just don’t obsess over it,and I ignore most of the “apps”thrown at me on FB. I use MySpace and FB as marketing and networking tools and nothing more. Most of my friends on all those sites are fellow writers,magazines and lit journals. It’s all in how you to decide to use the sites.
I have avoided it like the plague.
I decided that when all of my students were on Facebook,it would just be too awkward to join the crowd. My blog is enough and the little fuckers google me like crazy. Who wants to give them more access?
rellis:wait,if i was married to hillary clinton,that would make me…
writtenwyrrd:very funny. just like in “minority report”–everything about us will be available to everyone else. or at least our government.
lily:just two facebook friends? that makes me feel better. though i’m sorry to hear about the fb trauma. such is life online.
rawdawgbuffalo:not only are you a word man,you’re a smart man.
judy:your sons are right for the wrong reasons. nothing like a little friend’s mommy for masturbation purposes.
:collin:you can handle facebook and myspace and the like. me,i’m too immature.
bernita:it is good you avoided facebook like the plague,as it has spread like the plague.
michele:your students read your blog? man,i wouldn’t want anybody under 21 to read this.
I just signed up for it a week ago. It’s like crack. Now I can’t stop. I hate it and love it at the same time.
Wanna know what? One of my students put a link to my blog on his or her facebook page. I have TRULY arrived.
I can barely keep up with my blog,let alone navigate the frightening world of Facebook. I just ask my Friends who Facebook (FWF) to tell me about their pages,and live vicariously. It’s much easier and I don’t have to face the potential humiliation of single-digit “friends.”
I’m five for five on your blogger chart. Does that win me some sort of prize?
No Facebook. No MySpace. No thanks!