Comments on: Taking the Second. And Third, and Fourth http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/ At least 65 percent not depressing. Tue, 15 May 2012 03:32:02 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: writtenwyrdd http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6195 writtenwyrdd Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:43:22 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6195 Yah, go buy something nice for yourself, bookie; dealing with the scourge of delousing the house must have been awful. Then go write something. Yah, go buy something nice for yourself, bookie; dealing with the scourge of delousing the house must have been awful. Then go write something.

]]> By: thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6187 thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:03:23 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6187 Ha! Love the bacon analogy. And for whatever it's worth, I'd love to purchase a (signed) copy of your work one of these days. Ha! Love the bacon analogy. And for whatever it’s worth, I’d love to purchase a (signed) copy of your work one of these days.

]]> By: bookfraud http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6185 bookfraud Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:41:00 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6185 <b>collin</b>: what a great opening. how many times you've rewritten it, don't rewrite it again. i order you. <b>writer kat</b>: thank you for the kind words; you and i seem to be in the same boat regarding openings. the first line is always energizing, and the rest, like you say, is work. but i like what you did with my first line, especially giving a face and characterization to it. nice job. go buy several nice things for yourself. <b>michele</b>: a nice meaty blog entry from voix? i'll have to check it out and buy something nice for meself. collin: what a great opening. how many times you’ve rewritten it, don’t rewrite it again. i order you.

writer kat: thank you for the kind words; you and i seem to be in the same boat regarding openings. the first line is always energizing, and the rest, like you say, is work.

but i like what you did with my first line, especially giving a face and characterization to it. nice job.

go buy several nice things for yourself.

michele: a nice meaty blog entry from voix? i’ll have to check it out and buy something nice for meself.

]]> By: Bookfraud http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6183 Bookfraud Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:18:53 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6183 <b>pcmart</b>: you're right. it's not what i'm looking for. <b>writtenwyrrd</b>: very nice, ratchet up the danger. i was definitely going for a sense of menace. and i like how the smoke mingled with exhaust -- i didn't mention autos, yet you put in in here; nice work. go buy something nice for yourself. <b>j</b>: i can't offer you the opportunity to buy something nice for yourself, but twinkies or nachos would probably be a good alternative. especially when eaten together. <b>gloria</b>: no, you buy that decoy for yourself. do you mean aliens in the sense of foreign-born peoples or those little green men that kidnapped me in their spaceship and did the anal probe last nigth? pcmart: you’re right. it’s not what i’m looking for.

writtenwyrrd: very nice, ratchet up the danger. i was definitely going for a sense of menace. and i like how the smoke mingled with exhaust — i didn’t mention autos, yet you put in in here; nice work.

go buy something nice for yourself.

j: i can’t offer you the opportunity to buy something nice for yourself, but twinkies or nachos would probably be a good alternative. especially when eaten together.

gloria: no, you buy that decoy for yourself. do you mean aliens in the sense of foreign-born peoples or those little green men that kidnapped me in their spaceship and did the anal probe last nigth?

]]> By: Michele http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6176 Michele Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:45:23 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6176 Hey Bookfraud - I don't have any suggestions, but I did write a more meaty blog post for you. Hey Bookfraud – I don’t have any suggestions, but I did write a more meaty blog post for you.

]]> By: WriterKat http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6174 WriterKat Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:40:46 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6174 I love your opening line and more so, I love this post. It is right on. I appreciate the honesty and wisdom. I'm great at titles and opening paragraphs. After that, it's work. I would love to be the girl who can outline the plot before I write, but I'm not there yet. Here's mine: In fact, many of Marta’s group had given up. Tired and hungry, they dropped by the side and waved her on. She could hear the incessant chatter of aches and pains. Children pulling at their mother’s skirts begging for water, babies wailing behind her. Her own body was matted in sweat and dirt, her feet had blisters scorching hot. No matter, she tuned everything out as she stone-focused her eyes past the border guards. There was no way Marta was going to give up, this was her chance for freedom and nothing or no one would take that away from her. I love your opening line and more so, I love this post. It is right on. I appreciate the honesty and wisdom. I’m great at titles and opening paragraphs. After that, it’s work. I would love to be the girl who can outline the plot before I write, but I’m not there yet.

Here’s mine:
In fact, many of Marta’s group had given up. Tired and hungry, they dropped by the side and waved her on. She could hear the incessant chatter of aches and pains. Children pulling at their mother’s skirts begging for water, babies wailing behind her. Her own body was matted in sweat and dirt, her feet had blisters scorching hot. No matter, she tuned everything out as she stone-focused her eyes past the border guards. There was no way Marta was going to give up, this was her chance for freedom and nothing or no one would take that away from her.

]]> By: Collin Kelley http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6173 Collin Kelley Tue, 15 Apr 2008 03:02:42 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6173 I've rewritten my opening so many times I've lost count. This is the opening now: In his dreams he can remember her name. From the shadowy first glimpses when she was peripheral, on the edge of a crowd or morphing into a friend or family member, to the day the plane lifted off from Memphis Airport bound for London and her face and body finally synchronized in mid-flight slumber. Upon waking, her image remains sharp and clear, but her name slips into the ether of his subconscious. I’ve rewritten my opening so many times I’ve lost count. This is the opening now:

In his dreams he can remember her name. From the shadowy first glimpses when she was peripheral, on the edge of a crowd or morphing into a friend or family member, to the day the plane lifted off from Memphis Airport bound for London and her face and body finally synchronized in mid-flight slumber. Upon waking, her image remains sharp and clear, but her name slips into the ether of his subconscious.

]]> By: Gloria, Writer Reading http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6130 Gloria, Writer Reading Sun, 13 Apr 2008 19:38:04 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6130 I'm not getting anything for me, but I'm going to send you one of those wooden painted decoy ducks. Can't wait to hear who/what is migrating. The only other thing I can think of is aliens. I’m not getting anything for me, but I’m going to send you one of those wooden painted decoy ducks. Can’t wait to hear who/what is migrating. The only other thing I can think of is aliens.

]]> By: j http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6129 j Sun, 13 Apr 2008 01:18:21 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6129 I just ate pot brownies. There is no way in HELL I can make those words something other than jibberish. I just ate pot brownies.

There is no way in HELL I can make those words something other than jibberish.

]]> By: writtenwyrdd http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/comment-page-1/#comment-6092 writtenwyrdd Sat, 12 Apr 2008 18:06:39 +0000 http://bookfraud.com/2008/04/10/taking-the-second-and-third-and-fourth/#comment-6092 They lined the highway like an unbroken chain of smoke, up hills, through valleys, along rock crevices and next to abandoned farms — by 10 p.m., it took two hours to get to the checkpoint; by midnight, three hours, and by 2 a.m., when the roads were jammed to the limit, one might as well give up and hope to get back to the tent. Evacuation works two ways, though, and I was doing the peepee dance in my seat by the time we got back to the turn off. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) 2nd try: And yet we remained, and our cars crawled, the stars like jewels and the taillights gleaming read like the eyes of snakes in the grass. Somewhere, distant and wailing, the sirens began while the smoke mingled with our exhaust. They lined the highway like an unbroken chain of smoke, up hills, through valleys, along rock crevices and next to abandoned farms — by 10 p.m., it took two hours to get to the checkpoint; by midnight, three hours, and by 2 a.m., when the roads were jammed to the limit, one might as well give up and hope to get back to the tent.

Evacuation works two ways, though, and I was doing the peepee dance in my seat by the time we got back to the turn off. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

2nd try:
And yet we remained, and our cars crawled, the stars like jewels and the taillights gleaming read like the eyes of snakes in the grass. Somewhere, distant and wailing, the sirens began while the smoke mingled with our exhaust.

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