bookfraud

You should write another novel if you’re going to get a new agent. Agents don’t want to represent a book that’s been rejected by so many places. —An agent telling Bookfraud last year he’s screwed

He can’t write genre fiction. He’s genetically predisposed not to do it — he doesn’t have the chops. If he tried to write a crime novel, for instance, it would be a disaster. –Bookfraud on Bookfraud

Always write an outline for your novel — it will serve as a guide you navigate the thicket of writing and rewriting. –From Yet Another Self-Help Book on Writing

GENRE NOVEL OUTLINE

I. First Part: The Money

A. Ch. 1: "What Is This?"
a) A 10-year-old boy named Jim wakes up to find $12.4 billion in $10 bills tucked under his bed.

b) Sensing he will be capture by foreign agents, he promptly converts the money into Uruguayan pesos and buries it in his backyard.

c) His best friend Billy, also 10, finds out about the money, tasers Jim, and digs up the pesos.

B. Ch. 2: “On the Run”
a) Billy changes his name to Ulysses P. Goldberg, buys a Cadillac Escalade, and heads to Mexico.

1. Short scene with haggling with car dealer; Ulysses asks for and finally gets the 60,000-mile powertrain warrantee
 2. Before he leaves, says goodbye to his parents, his sister, his dog Freckles, and tries to set the house on fire, but only after taking his Pokemon cards.

b) On his way to Mexico, Billy/Ulysses stops at a diner and falls in love with a waitress named Edna St. Hubbins.

c) Edna lures Billy/Ulyssess to her trailer home with the lure of sex, but ties him up, takes the $12.4 billion in Uruguayan pesos, and drives the trailer home into the Grand Canyon, getting out before it goes over the cliff.

If the only Wang Chung song you know is running through your head, kill yourself now

C. Ch. 3: “Go Mental”

a)Billy/Ulyssess spends the next three weeks in a coma, then wakes up in a hospital having metamorphasized into a 54-year-old grandfather. He is permanently left with a Boston accent like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and the song "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung running constantly in his head.

b)Soon after Billy/Ulysses wakes up, Jim arrives at the hospital with his new friends Vito “The Pipefitter” Gallano and Johnny “The Cockroach” Palamanti, and ask politely about the money.

c) Jim threatens Billy if he doesn’t tell, but all Billy can say, “Pakh the cah in Havahd Yahd.”

1. Coma dream sequence: train going through a tunnel.
2. Coma dream sequence II: Billy turns into Judy Garland.

d) Jim, Vito, and Johnny The Cockroach force Billy on the road to find Edna.

 

D. Ch. 4: "Vile of Lesbos"

a) On their way to meet Edna, Vito and Johnny throw Jim and Billy out of the car. The mobsters use their GPS to find Edna but end up driving their Lincoln Town Car through a pool hall in Upper Skankton, Ohio.

b) Jim and Billy pick up a ride from an 18-wheeler driven by a Canadian named Gordie McGord, who says he’s a BIG Calgary Flames fan and asks the two if they’re a couple and says he could drive them to Canada to get married, if they wanted.

c) Sick of hearing McGord play "Convoy" repeatedly, Jim and Billy coldcock the driver as they head down a 10-degree grade in Wyoming, crashing the semi. Jim and Billy are thrown out of the cab and fly 23 miles, landing through the roof of Edna’s new home and into her bed, where she’s making sweet love to a 300-pound lady who nicknames her sensitive part "Cloris the Clitoris."

d) Edna and Cloris the Clitoris fight Jim and Billy/Ulysses. Edna knocks Billy into a wall; Cloris nearly asphyxiates Jim by jumping off the bed and landing on Jim on the floor. The force of Cloris the Clitoris’ belly flop smashes a hole in the floor, and Jim falls into the basement, where he finds the $12.4 billion, now converted to Mongolian Tugriks. Jim escapes Cloris, gets Billy out of the home, and they steal Cloris’ 4-wheel drive pickup.

Speaking of songs that make you want to commit suicide…

E. Ch. 5: "Yellow Fever"

a) Jim and Billy decide to split the money, and drive to Mongolia.

1. They encounter a talking polar bear in Alaska.
2. They find the Unknown Land Bridge across the Bering Strait.
3. They stop off in Tokyo, where Billy is poisoned by blowfish. Billy almost dies, but wakes up in the arms of a geisha named Psycho, who tells him they’ve been married 18 years.

b) Jim drives to downtown Mongolia, and buys a 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom condo with a wet bar, shag rug, pool room, and 3 TVs, just like he saw at Graceland when he was eight.

1. Jim falls in love with a Mongolian yak herder named Sarangerel (Moonlight), they live in a yurt, and she gives birth to a 15-year-old child named Morris.
2. Sarangerel leaves Jim after she discovers he’s been taking Morris to Ulan Bator Showgirls, Mongolia’s premier showcase for adult entertainment.

c)Devastated, Jim goes back to the United States, broke, but with his family welcoming him with open arms.

d) Jim wakes up. It was all a dream.

II. Second Part: The Reality

A. Ch. 6: "Untitled"

a) Jim goes to school that day, and tells everyone about his dream.

b) When he looks in his locker, he finds $12.4 billion in $10 bills.

The End.

Publishers, just make your check out to cash.