Chapter 1:My mother _____________ (was a prostitute/shot up heroin/watched way too much reality TV),and I was abandoned at birth,and raised by a _____________ (bi-racial foster family South Central L.A./commune of gay hippies/pack of wolves). I wasn’t like other kids,and I hated _____________ (everything/church/Tater Tots).
Chapter 2:I suffered horrible abuse at the hands of _____________ (horny uncle Ted/horny Aunt Ida/Dr. Seuss). I started smoking Virginia Slims when I was 6,and by the age of _____________ (17/10/five),I was doing (drugs/dealing drugs/playing Tiddly Winks with drugs) while living my days in the service of (a street gang/my friend Leonard/Keanu Reeves).
Chapter 3:When I was _____________ (16/12/eight) I _____________ (gave birth/sired/won on "The Price Is Right!") a _____________ (baby/alien baby/alien baby named "Travis") who at birth _____________ (was addicted to pooping in his diaper/was born with a hammer in his hand/asked to read "A Million Little Pieces").
Chapter 4:Devastated,I sold him for _____________ (an 8-ball/for a gun to kill myself/for a three-year lease for a sweet-ass cherry red ‘Vette).
Chapter 5:Hounded by the authorities for my crime,I _____________ (went underground/slept at a homeless shelter/got a job at the Olive Garden where I won employee of the month of December for my exceptional “Hospitaliano!”). I lived this way
Chapter 6:But finally,I was arrested by _____________ (the police/the Gestapo in the Black Forest/Ed McMahon and the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol).
Chapter 7:In jail,I met a person named _____________ (Michael Vick/Martha Stewart/Jesus) who showed me _____________ (his scars from dogfighting/how to make a killer plum pudding/how to turn water into wine and rise from the dead).
Chapter 8:But I made my turnaround when I left _____________ (Attica/San Quentin/the prison known as Celine Dion’s Vegas show) and checked into _____________ (Hazleden/the Betty Ford clinic/Joe’s Rehab and Auto Repair). After _____________ (living on the streets 29 years/reading every book in the library/discovering my love of "The Dukes of Hazzard"), I enrolled at _____________ (Harvard/Yale/the Hair Club for Men).
Chapter 9:Then I decided to write this memoir at the urging of my _____________ (rehab counselor/psychologist/editor at Riverhead Books). Today,with the help of my friend _____________ (Margaret Seltzer/James Frey/JT LeRoy), I publish this memoir,in honor of my dead mother/father/editor.
Epilogue:To them,I owe _____________ (everything/nothing/public humiliation for the rest of my life).
Don’t forget to be profiled in high-profile magazine that your real sister reads without giving your sister any kind of heads up.
Are you crazy? You just give away the secret to Oprah success?
You are So right.
Everyone’s writing fake memoirs these days. But i worked in a literary agency…so I completely understand how this sort of thing happens.
if it’s gonna sell,who cares how true it is?
EW.
OMG,you’ve saved me so much time!
Can’t believe I haven’t seen this great blog before…
fringes:it is kind of insane you don’t warn your relatives that you’ve just published a fake memoir,and hey,maybe you could shut your mouth. was seltzer estranged from her sister? i wonder.
rebecca b.:well,oprah wasn’t paying me to keep it a secret.
j.:sadly,it is true —if it’s gonna sell,nobody seems to care. i wonder how much they actually vetted seltzer. the publisher claims she did,but by mail. that would have raised a few red flags.
rellis:glad to have saved you some time. i won’t even charge for it.
and thank you for the very kind words re:the blog. i truly appreciate it.
I should read other blogs more often. I’ve just heard about this fake memoir thing today. Fiction sold as a memoir. That’s rather naughty. I actually feel for the authors if they submitted it as fiction but got steered into selling as a memoir. Of course,the authors will get he sh*t for this,poor sods.
But then I haven’t read the whole story,only bits on blogs,so have no idea if they actually subbed them as memoirs.
Ah,just stick “A novel”in miniscule print someplace on the cover. All bases then covered,voila!
m.e. ellis:you have a good point. james frey originally tried selling his book as a novel. i wonder how much he was pressed toward “making”it a memoir. margaret seltzer,however,apparently did no such thing. now her defense is insanity:she’s claiming she really believes she was raised in s. central l.a. in a gang.
written:that would be soooooo obvious. why do what makes sense —especially if it depresses sales?
That was so awesome! I’m linking to this post right now…
I love the new site! Thanks for your visit. I am a terrible e-friend. I’ve lost so many good people. Ugh…anyhow,I also love how you know exactly what multiple choice to offer. I also would love to receive a card saying I have killer skills.
michele:thank you —i strive for awesome. i appreciate the link. i appreciate everything you do,in fact.
lois:and thank you for the compliment. i don’t know if you’re a terrible e-friend or terrible friend,either. but you have a big back o’children,as i recall,so such keeping current with blogs and such can be tough. i know. i just have one rug rat and he’s eating up my free time…
and of course you got killer skillz. did anyone say otherwise?
You should share this with the Mad Libs people. They have a whole line dedicated to “adults”now.
I love this piece. I have to return all of her books that we bought for the store to Penguin. Not fun. This makes up for it. I think I’m going to print some out and stuff them inside the copies I have to send back.
thirdworst:mad libs for adults? world’s are colliding! but maybe i could make a few cheap bux.
quinn:if you print these out,fill them in,and send them to the publisher,i will come to your house and give you a kiss. or something. you’ve just made my night.
This is so much better than the piece on this in the NY Times.
Fucking mother fucking FLAWLESS. One thing…Does s/he have a mullet?