If I’m not fantasizing about riches from my writing, or what local football fame would have would have been mine had I not messed up my knee before high school, my mind will turn to what every nerd teenager has dreamed about being: a rock star.
Keeping with tradition, I would have to play the guitar, of course, though now, I would rather be a violin or piano virtuoso, a change in vision brought on by due to my advancing age.
Yes, I am decrepit. But I am not as decrepit, as it turns out, as Eddie Van Halen, probably the foremost rock guitar god of the last 30 years.
Mr. Van Halen looked like this 14 years ago, a man of 38:
And today:
No public service announcement could say it better: This is Eddie Van Halen; This is Eddie Van Halen on drugs.
Mr. Van Halen checked into rehab last week, after denying for years that he didn’t have a problem.
I’ve always looked a bit older than my years; when I was 38, I probably looked 40 to 45. But Eddie Van Halen always possessed the facade of eternal youth. Now, thanks to the miracle of methamphetamines, our appearances have undergone a stunning inversion: I, a man of 42, look my age, while Eddie VanHalen, a man of 52, looks about 80.
Sadly, his face does not look like someone long for this earth. He is missing teeth — a result, he claims, from mouth cancer — and no amount of airbrushing can conceal the fact that something has gone wildly wrong in this man’s life. Mr. Van Halen bears a striking resemblance to Jack Palance, and it makes me say something I thought not possible: there is a person in the world of rock and roll who looks worse than Keith Richards. At least we expect Keith to look like death on a stick.
I’m not a huge VH fan, though I like some of their early songs, and find them mildly amusing, especially because David Lee Roth is Jewish, proving beyond all doubt that us Jews are not inherently smarter than the rest of the world.
What is interesting is that although Van Halen was rich and famous at an early age, and, while a close observer may conclude the band’s downfall was when Sammy Hagar joined, it is odd that, unlike most rock and roll substance abuse disasters, Eddie Van Halen’s apparently happened in middle age.
Why the case of Eddie Van Halen interests me is as revealing about what it says. I certainly would not have done well coping with fame and riches in my 20s, and if this is a fantasy, it is one that was best unfulfilled.
But to think someone would be immune — writers, in particular — from the lures of money as they pass 40 is the height of folly. Any 65-year-old rich dolt ditching his wife for a 25-year-old bimbo is illustration enough. They have often scrimped and struggled through their careers, and once they hit the big time, start thinking they should have their fun. That they deserve to have fun.
There are plenty of writers who, despite their august pedigrees, turn to various forms of bad behavior as they enter the autumn of their lives. It may not involve crystal meth, coke, or smack, but it may involve long stretches at the bottle and mistresses. Just because you fancy yourself a genius or philosopher does not make you any less immune to human foible.
David Lee Roth: not related to Philip
I do wonder, however, how many of these (male) writers become louts or addicts only when they get older. Fame and money supposedly amplify the bad traits that already exist in one’s soul, and sometimes it just takes a while for it to catch up to you.
Which is why I’ve chosen not to be a rich and famous novelist, you see. It’s all for my own good.
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Maybe he just got bored. Some peole need to ramp up their lives once the spolight no longer shines daily on them. Meth seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hee–I hope you don’t mind if I steal that reasoning for not becoming a rich and famous novelist.
I could not believe it when I saw those pictures. They are just about as effective as an episode of A&E’s Intervention.
Maybe he just got bored. Some peole need to ramp up their lives once the spolight no longer shines daily on them. Meth seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe he just got bored. Some peole need to ramp up their lives once the spolight no longer shines daily on them. Meth seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hee–I hope you don’t mind if I steal that reasoning for not becoming a rich and famous novelist.
I could not believe it when I saw those pictures. They are just about as effective as an episode of A&E’s Intervention.
Hee–I hope you don’t mind if I steal that reasoning for not becoming a rich and famous novelist.
I could not believe it when I saw those pictures. They are just about as effective as an episode of A&E’s Intervention.
An astute decision on your part. Perhaps you could become rich and famous at a position less likely to seduce you into the arms of Mother Heroin. Something like: a rich and famous kingergarten teacher. Or a rich and famous yodeler. (No, wait, I’m sure they get their share of the toot.) How about a rich and famous hobo? Nobody would sell them blow because they’re kinda stinky. If you think you can deal with the stench, that may be the best of the bunch.
fringes: that’s an interesting theory. people become addicts out of boredom all the time, and meth does indeed “ramp” one up. at least it does for me.
courtney: steal away. and yes, the pics are mind-boggling.
brian f.: i’m always one to make astute decisions. i would love to become a rich and famous kindergarten teacher, just like lady di. or yodler, like pavoratti. or hobo, like paris hilton.
An astute decision on your part. Perhaps you could become rich and famous at a position less likely to seduce you into the arms of Mother Heroin. Something like: a rich and famous kingergarten teacher. Or a rich and famous yodeler. (No, wait, I’m sure they get their share of the toot.) How about a rich and famous hobo? Nobody would sell them blow because they’re kinda stinky. If you think you can deal with the stench, that may be the best of the bunch.
An astute decision on your part. Perhaps you could become rich and famous at a position less likely to seduce you into the arms of Mother Heroin. Something like: a rich and famous kingergarten teacher. Or a rich and famous yodeler. (No, wait, I’m sure they get their share of the toot.) How about a rich and famous hobo? Nobody would sell them blow because they’re kinda stinky. If you think you can deal with the stench, that may be the best of the bunch.
fringes: that’s an interesting theory. people become addicts out of boredom all the time, and meth does indeed “ramp” one up. at least it does for me.
courtney: steal away. and yes, the pics are mind-boggling.
brian f.: i’m always one to make astute decisions. i would love to become a rich and famous kindergarten teacher, just like lady di. or yodler, like pavoratti. or hobo, like paris hilton.
fringes: that’s an interesting theory. people become addicts out of boredom all the time, and meth does indeed “ramp” one up. at least it does for me.
courtney: steal away. and yes, the pics are mind-boggling.
brian f.: i’m always one to make astute decisions. i would love to become a rich and famous kindergarten teacher, just like lady di. or yodler, like pavoratti. or hobo, like paris hilton.
That pic of Mr. Eddie VH scared me when I saw it on cnn.com a while back. eek
That pic of Mr. Eddie VH scared me when I saw it on cnn.com a while back. eek
That pic of Mr. Eddie VH scared me when I saw it on cnn.com a while back. eek
hmmm… being rich and famous makes you older? Are you sure? Maybe the women in Hollywood have better access to plastic surgeons?
hmmm… being rich and famous makes you older? Are you sure? Maybe the women in Hollywood have better access to plastic surgeons?
hmmm… being rich and famous makes you older? Are you sure? Maybe the women in Hollywood have better access to plastic surgeons?
glitzy: sad thing is, he probably now looks worse than that. especially if he’s got the dt’s.
michelle: possibly. look at howard hughes. of course, he was nuts. it would take a hell of a lot of plastic surgery to make eddie van halen look normal again. like a face transplant.
glitzy: sad thing is, he probably now looks worse than that. especially if he’s got the dt’s.
michelle: possibly. look at howard hughes. of course, he was nuts. it would take a hell of a lot of plastic surgery to make eddie van halen look normal again. like a face transplant.
glitzy: sad thing is, he probably now looks worse than that. especially if he’s got the dt’s.
michelle: possibly. look at howard hughes. of course, he was nuts. it would take a hell of a lot of plastic surgery to make eddie van halen look normal again. like a face transplant.
Dear sweet Jebus…Eddie is scary. I wonder if he checked into Promises with Brit-Brit?
Dear sweet Jebus…Eddie is scary. I wonder if he checked into Promises with Brit-Brit?
Dear sweet Jebus…Eddie is scary. I wonder if he checked into Promises with Brit-Brit?