I was fully prepared to devote an entry to a topic utterly revolting,infantile,and repulsive,but I thought,ah,what the hell,let’s try something different.
It has been a well-repeated (if not proven) factoid that the longer a couple is together,the more they look alike. This is probably why Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are now Splitsville,though I not know if Pam dumped him because she worried about morphing into her husband one day,or if Kid Rock had nightmares that enormous mountains of silicone would one day form on his chest.
Also,if one does tend to look like their partner over time,I imagine that all the 22-yearold Russian supermodels with 80-year-old millionaire boyfriends are headed for a bad ending,though Viagra has already made their pretty lives pretty miserable.
If Wife started looking like me,but I would not leave her,although our sex life would be kaput,for I might start thinking I was making love to myself,and you shouldn’t make love to someone you hate.
Although our physical appearances are in no threat of converging,of late our creative states are similar,and sadly for the worst. I’m uninspired,she’s uninspired,and this makes for a lot of bad writing. Wife is in the desperate race to finish her novel before she gives birth in a few months,and I am in the desperate race to figure out what to do with my novel before I die,which may happen any day between now and 2060.
It’s not just that we’re unhappy with our respective output;it’s that we’re just not feeling the urge to create. Nothing I read is inspiring me,ditto for Wife,and about the only thing that moves either of us is music. Which we don’t compose.
Required reading
(Wife can write circles around yours truly. For her,a slump means her writing is merely excellent;for me,merely excrement.)
This lack of creativity can come across in other unpleasant manifestations. Wife is angry at me for some supposed household infractions,including (but not limited to) lack of initiative in cleaning,cooking,conducting “research” for forthcoming baby,and other imagined and real offenses that all have to do with domesticity.
I can get rather pissy at Wife for her getting pissy at me,and the cycle of love-anger-love begins anew. Much of this anguish concerns the onset of Wife’s pregnancy,and the natural fears that motherhood will extinguish her career — if I don’t help out,she’ll be swamped and depressed,unable to ever write again.*
By all accounts of friends who have experienced the miracle of birth,writing fiction does not exactly take precedence when Junior is projectile vomiting while soiling through several thousand diapers a day. A parent’s free time is when baby is napping,and if you are lucky,you’ll be napping as well. When it comes to writing,the first six months — well,fuggitaboutit.
It is this certainty that should make both Wife and I writing fiends instead of neurotic masses of indecisive chum. Of course,we’ll get back into the swing of things,perhaps before retirement age.
Already,well before my child is born,I am envisioning a fatherly talk I’ll have with my son (ultrasound confirmed it’s a wiener). Such a talk often entails bromides on telling the truth,never getting into cars with strangers,or the unfathomable mysteries of sex,which,to be honest,I probably should not talk about,lest I ruin the kid’s sex life forever.
In any case,I will be direct,and loving,and fair:“Son,the world is full of great possibility. There is so much to learn,to see,to do. Don’t let anyone say you can’t do something,and always believe in yourself. Always follow your heart — you can be a doctor,a musician,an artist,a scientist. Whatever you want,you can achieve,just as you put your mind to it.
But for God’s sakes,don’t become a fucking narcissistic neurotic writer like your old man. Please? I don’t want to kick your ass over this. Thank you. You’re a good son.”
*(This is where the disgusting part was supposed to be. I was going to write about my newfound spirit of assistance in the household arts to help Wife through this difficult stretch. Borrowing from an infamous Saturday Night Live skit from the 1970s that never made it to air,I was going to write about a great new dish that I could cook following the birth of our child. Of course,I speak of placenta. Placenta burgers,placenta stroganoff,placenta Wellington.
It’s what’s for dinner
And if you just can’t make it with placenta,you have to use what that SNL parody was selling:Placenta Helper! (“Wow,Mom,that’s great placenta!” “Oh,son,it’s not just placenta – it’s Placenta Helper!” “Can we have it again tomorrow?” “No,silly – you’ll have to wait for another brother or sister first!”)
What’s more disturbing is that there are people who actually keep and cook their placenta. Let’s eat!)
i remember listening to a drunken conversation at a party. some dude started talking about all the stuff that you can do with placenta.
did you know that there’s placenta shampoo? pretty gross,eh.
Oh,Bookfraud. Honey. We need to talk. Listen:I have a semi-famous chef friend who says that whole placenta thing? Actually,seriously true over in certain parts of Europe. It’s a tradition to fry it up and serve it over dinner. In celebration. (*pausing to throw up in my mouth a little*)
Maintain American focus! (for the love of all that is holy and good!) (please.)
My Rx:fish pills. Seriously. People laugh at me all the time,but I’m telling you:Our brains NEED Omega-3′s. (Here,I am specifically,consciously refraining from references to feminist female brain/creative superiority scientific research discoveries) (as well as scientific research discoveries that all life begins,essentially,as female).
I’m sure you’ll be fine. Really. Way before 2060.
Congrats on your in-coming boy! Boys are F.U.N. My nephew is WAY more smiley than my niece,for example. Less drama,too.
i remember listening to a drunken conversation at a party. some dude started talking about all the stuff that you can do with placenta.
did you know that there’s placenta shampoo? pretty gross,eh.
i remember listening to a drunken conversation at a party. some dude started talking about all the stuff that you can do with placenta.
did you know that there’s placenta shampoo? pretty gross,eh.
Oh,Bookfraud. Honey. We need to talk. Listen:I have a semi-famous chef friend who says that whole placenta thing? Actually,seriously true over in certain parts of Europe. It’s a tradition to fry it up and serve it over dinner. In celebration. (*pausing to throw up in my mouth a little*)
Maintain American focus! (for the love of all that is holy and good!) (please.)
My Rx:fish pills. Seriously. People laugh at me all the time,but I’m telling you:Our brains NEED Omega-3′s. (Here,I am specifically,consciously refraining from references to feminist female brain/creative superiority scientific research discoveries) (as well as scientific research discoveries that all life begins,essentially,as female).
I’m sure you’ll be fine. Really. Way before 2060.
Congrats on your in-coming boy! Boys are F.U.N. My nephew is WAY more smiley than my niece,for example. Less drama,too.
Oh,Bookfraud. Honey. We need to talk. Listen:I have a semi-famous chef friend who says that whole placenta thing? Actually,seriously true over in certain parts of Europe. It’s a tradition to fry it up and serve it over dinner. In celebration. (*pausing to throw up in my mouth a little*)
Maintain American focus! (for the love of all that is holy and good!) (please.)
My Rx:fish pills. Seriously. People laugh at me all the time,but I’m telling you:Our brains NEED Omega-3′s. (Here,I am specifically,consciously refraining from references to feminist female brain/creative superiority scientific research discoveries) (as well as scientific research discoveries that all life begins,essentially,as female).
I’m sure you’ll be fine. Really. Way before 2060.
Congrats on your in-coming boy! Boys are F.U.N. My nephew is WAY more smiley than my niece,for example. Less drama,too.
I think that it is best to think of the first 3 months of parenthood as the last trimester. It is just about survival,getting to the other side alive. Lower all personal expectations and let it ride.
Read the sleep book,love the sleep book,be the sleep book and by month 6 (at the latest) life will have some rhythm that you can groove to. My kids are in bed at 6,which does wonders for the marriage,adult lifestyle and getting willing babysitters.
We have friends in Mexico that did the whole home birth thang. The long,amusing anecdote ended with them eating the placenta in a stew and putting the rest in gelatin capsules to ingest later. Don’t want to waste an ounce of placenta goodness.
Have you considering having a therapist talk to Fraud Jr. through mommy’s stomach?
BTW,I gave you a shout out on today’s posting.
Placenta helper. Eewww.
I think that it is best to think of the first 3 months of parenthood as the last trimester. It is just about survival,getting to the other side alive. Lower all personal expectations and let it ride.
Read the sleep book,love the sleep book,be the sleep book and by month 6 (at the latest) life will have some rhythm that you can groove to. My kids are in bed at 6,which does wonders for the marriage,adult lifestyle and getting willing babysitters.
We have friends in Mexico that did the whole home birth thang. The long,amusing anecdote ended with them eating the placenta in a stew and putting the rest in gelatin capsules to ingest later. Don’t want to waste an ounce of placenta goodness.
I think that it is best to think of the first 3 months of parenthood as the last trimester. It is just about survival,getting to the other side alive. Lower all personal expectations and let it ride.
Read the sleep book,love the sleep book,be the sleep book and by month 6 (at the latest) life will have some rhythm that you can groove to. My kids are in bed at 6,which does wonders for the marriage,adult lifestyle and getting willing babysitters.
We have friends in Mexico that did the whole home birth thang. The long,amusing anecdote ended with them eating the placenta in a stew and putting the rest in gelatin capsules to ingest later. Don’t want to waste an ounce of placenta goodness.
Boys rule.
That having been said,the best thing to do? Just keep writing. Even if it is shit. If you don’t stay in the habit of writing,you end up like me.
(start screams of horror…now)
I have a friend who is actually waiting on her best friend to give birth so she can eat the placenta. I think I need a new class of friends.
Have you considering having a therapist talk to Fraud Jr. through mommy’s stomach?
BTW,I gave you a shout out on today’s posting.
Placenta helper. Eewww.
Have you considering having a therapist talk to Fraud Jr. through mommy’s stomach?
BTW,I gave you a shout out on today’s posting.
Placenta helper. Eewww.
Boys rule.
That having been said,the best thing to do? Just keep writing. Even if it is shit. If you don’t stay in the habit of writing,you end up like me.
(start screams of horror…now)
Boys rule.
That having been said,the best thing to do? Just keep writing. Even if it is shit. If you don’t stay in the habit of writing,you end up like me.
(start screams of horror…now)
I have a friend who is actually waiting on her best friend to give birth so she can eat the placenta. I think I need a new class of friends.
I have a friend who is actually waiting on her best friend to give birth so she can eat the placenta. I think I need a new class of friends.
Ew.
You’ll be alright,Bookfraud. Seriously —keep writing,no matter how bad you think it is.
And take out the garbage,wash the dishes,and fold laundry. You will be a happier man with a happier wife. Trust me.
le:placenta shampoo? that is the most awesome thing ever. leaves your hair bright ‘n shiny,with no split ends! smells great too.
amy:as much as i love europe,the placenta thing is enough to make me a xenophobic american;i.e. george bush.
cheraldo:now i’m really going to vomit. do people eat vomit?
phoenix:thanks for the shout out —you are a good and noble person. it shows that i am so out of it that i didn’t read it first. pathetic on my part. and so true —look at the best-seller lists,and you will see everything wrong about america.
madame d.:and just what is wrong about ending up like you? oh,ok…
rebecca s.:good to see you again. if you need new friends,i’ll be in line.
michele:you have obviously been in contact with wife and are out to get me.
Ew.
You’ll be alright,Bookfraud. Seriously —keep writing,no matter how bad you think it is.
And take out the garbage,wash the dishes,and fold laundry. You will be a happier man with a happier wife. Trust me.
Ew.
You’ll be alright,Bookfraud. Seriously —keep writing,no matter how bad you think it is.
And take out the garbage,wash the dishes,and fold laundry. You will be a happier man with a happier wife. Trust me.
To echo Michelle’s comment,we have a saying in our house that if Mama is not happy then nobody is happy. The motto is even more true before the baby comes than after.
So,do the dishes already.
le:placenta shampoo? that is the most awesome thing ever. leaves your hair bright ‘n shiny,with no split ends! smells great too.
amy:as much as i love europe,the placenta thing is enough to make me a xenophobic american;i.e. george bush.
cheraldo:now i’m really going to vomit. do people eat vomit?
le:placenta shampoo? that is the most awesome thing ever. leaves your hair bright ‘n shiny,with no split ends! smells great too.
amy:as much as i love europe,the placenta thing is enough to make me a xenophobic american;i.e. george bush.
cheraldo:now i’m really going to vomit. do people eat vomit?
phoenix:thanks for the shout out —you are a good and noble person. it shows that i am so out of it that i didn’t read it first. pathetic on my part. and so true —look at the best-seller lists,and you will see everything wrong about america.
madame d.:and just what is wrong about ending up like you? oh,ok…
rebecca s.:good to see you again. if you need new friends,i’ll be in line.
michele:you have obviously been in contact with wife and are out to get me.
phoenix:thanks for the shout out —you are a good and noble person. it shows that i am so out of it that i didn’t read it first. pathetic on my part. and so true —look at the best-seller lists,and you will see everything wrong about america.
madame d.:and just what is wrong about ending up like you? oh,ok…
rebecca s.:good to see you again. if you need new friends,i’ll be in line.
michele:you have obviously been in contact with wife and are out to get me.
To echo Michelle’s comment,we have a saying in our house that if Mama is not happy then nobody is happy. The motto is even more true before the baby comes than after.
So,do the dishes already.
To echo Michelle’s comment,we have a saying in our house that if Mama is not happy then nobody is happy. The motto is even more true before the baby comes than after.
So,do the dishes already.
I always listen to music when I need a little inspiration. I’ve been listening to a lot of classic stuff…Nina Simone,Billie Holiday,Samuel Barber,Liz Story and even Willie Nelson.
I say,don’t force the writing. It will come again eventually. And please…please don’t eat the placenta.
Happy freakin’holidays,BF.
I always listen to music when I need a little inspiration. I’ve been listening to a lot of classic stuff…Nina Simone,Billie Holiday,Samuel Barber,Liz Story and even Willie Nelson.
I say,don’t force the writing. It will come again eventually. And please…please don’t eat the placenta.
Happy freakin’holidays,BF.
I always listen to music when I need a little inspiration. I’ve been listening to a lot of classic stuff…Nina Simone,Billie Holiday,Samuel Barber,Liz Story and even Willie Nelson.
I say,don’t force the writing. It will come again eventually. And please…please don’t eat the placenta.
Happy freakin’holidays,BF.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.
Your wife and I are holding Uma hostage and won’t release her until you comply.