Over Thankgiving at the family home, I was exposed to a major problem that threatens households across our nation. It has nothing to do with breast feeding, reasonable day care, or the price of Huggies. Nor is it about affordable health care or killing several innocent adults to get your hands on a PlayStation 3. It is something more sinister.
The rot to which I refer is called “Thomas the Tank Engine.” And we have literature to blame.
For the uninitiated—that is, for those without children—this Thomas plague looks like just another innocent juvenile obsession. “Thomas” is a series of children’s books featuring a steam train engine with round eyes and moon face. He and his train “friends” reside on the island of Sodor (insert joke here), and have adventures about hauling freight, people, and farm animals (another joke here).
Humans and other anthropomorphized vehicles also reside on Sodor, which, upon close inspection, is quite like the island known as Great Britain, from where Thomas originated.
You can pee out of his face
This British Invasion is as bad as the War of 1812, and not nearly as entertaining as the Beatles. It has taken over the hearts and minds of children across the United States, infiltrating their souls with annoying songs and consumer lust to make Imelda Marcos blush. Specifically, it has taken over the life of my young nephew, who has been thick in the Heart of Darkness known as Sodor Island for at least half of his 42 months on earth. He plays with the trains, he watches the show, he hides in his Thomas the Tank Engine tent—it’s all Thomas, all the time.
You see, the books spawned a television show, first in England, and now in the U.S., along with Thomas train sets, which involve hundreds of miniature trains. Thousands of trains. Not to mention tracks, buildings, and other model-train-esque apparitions, both in wood and metal versions (Twice the Cost! Twice the Fun!). This ignores Thomas kiddie wear, bed sets, clocks, temporary tattoos, toenail clippers, and enema kits.
Google “Thomas the Tank Engine” and you are confronted with 1.36 million hits, many for buying Thomas the Tank Engines and Friends Craptastic Crap. (Personally, in the name of verisimilitude, I think they should have Thomas-brand anthracite coal, a three-fingered, one-eyed engineer action figure, and a soot-covered boiler doll that sings, “I’ve been working on the fucking railroad, all my fucking days.”)
“I transform into a wallet-sucking monster”
This didn’t happen in a vacuum. An Englishman by the name of Rev. W. Awdry started the book series in 1945. Since then, “a generation of children have grown to love the cheeky engine and friends on the Island of Sodor,” proclaims the Random House Web site. Apparently, the books just weren’t enough. Somebody named Britt Allcroft turned “Thomas the Tank Engine” into a television show in the 1980s, which, Random House says without a shred of irony, “can now be seen in over 120 countries and inspired a multimillion dollar ancillary entertainment empire.”
That’s it. It’s not about literature, it’s about maintaining the multimillion dollar ancillary entertainment empire! Rule Britannia!
This rant probably stems from the fact that I will soon be a father, and I am already making plans to keep this smoke-blowing monstrosity as far away from my child as possible. Of course, as parents will gladly point out, this is a futile endeavor. And if it isn’t Thomas, it’ll be Barney. Or Barbie. Or Carburetor Al, or something yet to be devised in a marketing guru’s evil dreams.
I’m sure the Thomas books are probably great reads. But they’ve turned children’s literature into product, aimed at the segment of the population most likely to Screaming Fits for Ancillary Junk. There are plenty of Dr. Seuss dolls and, of course, some great cartoons, but had Theodor Geisel lived to see “The Cat in the Hat” or “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” into live-action movies and Burger King figurines, he would have just let Sam I Am stick a fork in his heart rather than into green eggs and ham.
Resistance is futile
Every childhood pleasure is super-sized and turned into a commodity. It would behoove me to just accept this state of affairs, as I am sure that our little one will get hooked on something, and I guess it’s better to be obsessed Thomas the Tank Engine than Bratz dolls, violent video games, or bad books (the worst).
Now I have to go and buy more Pre-Baby Crap and complain about it on my blog.
Ah, it’s good to be back.
If they’re gonna get hooked on something, make sure it’s something you can tolerate.
My son has NEVER been allowed to watch Barney, the Teletubbies, BooBah. Why? Because I can NOT watch that crap.
Exert your power now, watch all the kids shows you can so you know what you will be able to stand hearing sung over and over again, and what will drive you insane in 10 seconds or less.
Either that or the little one will need it’s own tv and/or dvd player. Some things can be tolerated once but never twice. Though what ever you do Pinochio’s Revenge is not appropriate viewing for 3 year olds. My ex thought it was.
If they’re gonna get hooked on something, make sure it’s something you can tolerate.
My son has NEVER been allowed to watch Barney, the Teletubbies, BooBah. Why? Because I can NOT watch that crap.
Exert your power now, watch all the kids shows you can so you know what you will be able to stand hearing sung over and over again, and what will drive you insane in 10 seconds or less.
If they’re gonna get hooked on something, make sure it’s something you can tolerate.
My son has NEVER been allowed to watch Barney, the Teletubbies, BooBah. Why? Because I can NOT watch that crap.
Exert your power now, watch all the kids shows you can so you know what you will be able to stand hearing sung over and over again, and what will drive you insane in 10 seconds or less.
Either that or the little one will need it’s own tv and/or dvd player. Some things can be tolerated once but never twice. Though what ever you do Pinochio’s Revenge is not appropriate viewing for 3 year olds. My ex thought it was.
Either that or the little one will need it’s own tv and/or dvd player. Some things can be tolerated once but never twice. Though what ever you do Pinochio’s Revenge is not appropriate viewing for 3 year olds. My ex thought it was.
Just. Say. No.
Just. Say. No.
Just. Say. No.
Face it, Fraud Jr. is going to be asbsorbed by the Thomas Borg.
My nephew is just 5 months now, I a curious to see which all encompassing children’s characters will come to dominate his psyche.
Barney? Elmo? Thomas? All of the above.
I already have plans to head this off with a healthy doese of Dicken’s and Dostoevsky characters. I am even buying the dolls on the internet.
No, really, I am.
Face it, Fraud Jr. is going to be asbsorbed by the Thomas Borg.
My nephew is just 5 months now, I a curious to see which all encompassing children’s characters will come to dominate his psyche.
Barney? Elmo? Thomas? All of the above.
I already have plans to head this off with a healthy doese of Dicken’s and Dostoevsky characters. I am even buying the dolls on the internet.
No, really, I am.
Face it, Fraud Jr. is going to be asbsorbed by the Thomas Borg.
My nephew is just 5 months now, I a curious to see which all encompassing children’s characters will come to dominate his psyche.
Barney? Elmo? Thomas? All of the above.
I already have plans to head this off with a healthy doese of Dicken’s and Dostoevsky characters. I am even buying the dolls on the internet.
No, really, I am.
Like any other bad influence, they only come in your home if you let them. My kids have never watched tv and my oldest has started to pick up the characters on the mean streets of pre-K. She can ask for the stuff, but a simple “no” enforced by “I’m the mommy” ends the conversation.
If you get through the early months without the tv crutch, you don’t miss it. I’ve always said that the great minds of the world did not have Baby Einstein. In fact, Einstein most likely benefited from being left to his own devices.
It’s also a fun early lesson in critical thinking. The few advertisements that my daughter has seen led to conversations about the ad trying to make you want something that you don’t need because stuff you really need is not advertised. Now when she sees an ad, she asks what are they trying to make me want. Shockingly enough, her preK teacher is not thrilled by her critical thinking, it is much easier to handle a Thomas-addled drone.
I will now step off my soap box.
Maybe your child will get hooked on the Solar System like my niece did. She’s only 3 and yet she can tell you we live on the 3rd planet from the sun, the blue planet, and that Mars (the red planet) is our close neighbor. Also, she’s obsessed with the Starship Enterprise and gets really pissed off if you try to substitute Star Wars merchandise. And did I mention she sometimes walks around singing the names of the 9 (we haven’t had the heart to break it to her that Pluto doesn’t count anymore) to herself?
And while this might make Thomas the Train obsessions seem silly and frivolous, take heart: I think her parents are scouring the ‘net for information about idiot savants.
I think your nephew, my niece, and your incoming child will be just fine though–I was obsessed with The Wizard of Oz and look at me! I’m perfectly well-adjusted as an adult–I only start rocking back and forth, mumbling unintelligible sing songy things to myself during high windstorms. And when I see monkeys. And red shoes. And Halloween kind of sucks too, with all the witches and everything. I’m not good around rainbows, either. And hot air balloons. And Toto dogs. I try to avoid farms and wizards (and wizards on farms) as well.
But other than that, see? Perfectly fine! Rock on, Thomas Train.
Just keep the kid away from those Einstein videos…I’m pretty sure they’re brainwashing mechanisms of some ginormous think tank. Avoid Barney too. And The Wiggles.
But Teletubbies are fine.
Like any other bad influence, they only come in your home if you let them. My kids have never watched tv and my oldest has started to pick up the characters on the mean streets of pre-K. She can ask for the stuff, but a simple “no” enforced by “I’m the mommy” ends the conversation.
If you get through the early months without the tv crutch, you don’t miss it. I’ve always said that the great minds of the world did not have Baby Einstein. In fact, Einstein most likely benefited from being left to his own devices.
It’s also a fun early lesson in critical thinking. The few advertisements that my daughter has seen led to conversations about the ad trying to make you want something that you don’t need because stuff you really need is not advertised. Now when she sees an ad, she asks what are they trying to make me want. Shockingly enough, her preK teacher is not thrilled by her critical thinking, it is much easier to handle a Thomas-addled drone.
I will now step off my soap box.
Like any other bad influence, they only come in your home if you let them. My kids have never watched tv and my oldest has started to pick up the characters on the mean streets of pre-K. She can ask for the stuff, but a simple “no” enforced by “I’m the mommy” ends the conversation.
If you get through the early months without the tv crutch, you don’t miss it. I’ve always said that the great minds of the world did not have Baby Einstein. In fact, Einstein most likely benefited from being left to his own devices.
It’s also a fun early lesson in critical thinking. The few advertisements that my daughter has seen led to conversations about the ad trying to make you want something that you don’t need because stuff you really need is not advertised. Now when she sees an ad, she asks what are they trying to make me want. Shockingly enough, her preK teacher is not thrilled by her critical thinking, it is much easier to handle a Thomas-addled drone.
I will now step off my soap box.
Maybe your child will get hooked on the Solar System like my niece did. She’s only 3 and yet she can tell you we live on the 3rd planet from the sun, the blue planet, and that Mars (the red planet) is our close neighbor. Also, she’s obsessed with the Starship Enterprise and gets really pissed off if you try to substitute Star Wars merchandise. And did I mention she sometimes walks around singing the names of the 9 (we haven’t had the heart to break it to her that Pluto doesn’t count anymore) to herself?
And while this might make Thomas the Train obsessions seem silly and frivolous, take heart: I think her parents are scouring the ‘net for information about idiot savants.
I think your nephew, my niece, and your incoming child will be just fine though–I was obsessed with The Wizard of Oz and look at me! I’m perfectly well-adjusted as an adult–I only start rocking back and forth, mumbling unintelligible sing songy things to myself during high windstorms. And when I see monkeys. And red shoes. And Halloween kind of sucks too, with all the witches and everything. I’m not good around rainbows, either. And hot air balloons. And Toto dogs. I try to avoid farms and wizards (and wizards on farms) as well.
But other than that, see? Perfectly fine! Rock on, Thomas Train.
Just keep the kid away from those Einstein videos…I’m pretty sure they’re brainwashing mechanisms of some ginormous think tank. Avoid Barney too. And The Wiggles.
But Teletubbies are fine.
Maybe your child will get hooked on the Solar System like my niece did. She’s only 3 and yet she can tell you we live on the 3rd planet from the sun, the blue planet, and that Mars (the red planet) is our close neighbor. Also, she’s obsessed with the Starship Enterprise and gets really pissed off if you try to substitute Star Wars merchandise. And did I mention she sometimes walks around singing the names of the 9 (we haven’t had the heart to break it to her that Pluto doesn’t count anymore) to herself?
And while this might make Thomas the Train obsessions seem silly and frivolous, take heart: I think her parents are scouring the ‘net for information about idiot savants.
I think your nephew, my niece, and your incoming child will be just fine though–I was obsessed with The Wizard of Oz and look at me! I’m perfectly well-adjusted as an adult–I only start rocking back and forth, mumbling unintelligible sing songy things to myself during high windstorms. And when I see monkeys. And red shoes. And Halloween kind of sucks too, with all the witches and everything. I’m not good around rainbows, either. And hot air balloons. And Toto dogs. I try to avoid farms and wizards (and wizards on farms) as well.
But other than that, see? Perfectly fine! Rock on, Thomas Train.
Just keep the kid away from those Einstein videos…I’m pretty sure they’re brainwashing mechanisms of some ginormous think tank. Avoid Barney too. And The Wiggles.
But Teletubbies are fine.
And on the other hand… I love Thomas. I even have a thomas blog. That’s a pretty sweet transformer above. I’d not seen that.
i kinda had a feeling that this would provoke some strong responses…
madame d.: i guess i could have the kid watch “jackie chan adventures.” down with that.
double b: now i’m going to have to get “pinoccio’s revenge.” sounds kinda kinky.
bernita: i. will. just. say. no.
phoenix: i have an 11-month old nephew, and i just wonder how long it is before he is absorbed into his older bro’s thomas borg. (and nice catch on the reference). the best i hope for is that they’re into “csi” or something.
cheraldo: glad you could get it off your chest. are you suggesting that we go without television; i.e. “sans tv” for the little one’s first few years? the little one is going to watch cub games, for sure.
amy: sadly, i am familiar with baby einstein. and the wiggles. ach. it’s brain candy. i’m sure my nephew will be just fine. but it would drive me nuts. and i couldn’t get over the fact that “thomas” was once a series of *books.* forgotten in all the noise.
teletubbies are so gay.
We miss you at SLAA. I feel neglected.
And on the other hand… I love Thomas. I even have a thomas blog. That’s a pretty sweet transformer above. I’d not seen that.
And on the other hand… I love Thomas. I even have a thomas blog. That’s a pretty sweet transformer above. I’d not seen that.
You’re about to become a father?! Congratulations, BF! Somehow I had assumed that your family was already complete; i.e. kids in middle school and no more planned. Shows what I know.
The possible blog topics are now guaranteed to run forever.
i kinda had a feeling that this would provoke some strong responses…
madame d.: i guess i could have the kid watch “jackie chan adventures.” down with that.
double b: now i’m going to have to get “pinoccio’s revenge.” sounds kinda kinky.
bernita: i. will. just. say. no.
i kinda had a feeling that this would provoke some strong responses…
madame d.: i guess i could have the kid watch “jackie chan adventures.” down with that.
double b: now i’m going to have to get “pinoccio’s revenge.” sounds kinda kinky.
bernita: i. will. just. say. no.
phoenix: i have an 11-month old nephew, and i just wonder how long it is before he is absorbed into his older bro’s thomas borg. (and nice catch on the reference). the best i hope for is that they’re into “csi” or something.
cheraldo: glad you could get it off your chest. are you suggesting that we go without television; i.e. “sans tv” for the little one’s first few years? the little one is going to watch cub games, for sure.
amy: sadly, i am familiar with baby einstein. and the wiggles. ach. it’s brain candy. i’m sure my nephew will be just fine. but it would drive me nuts. and i couldn’t get over the fact that “thomas” was once a series of *books.* forgotten in all the noise.
teletubbies are so gay.
phoenix: i have an 11-month old nephew, and i just wonder how long it is before he is absorbed into his older bro’s thomas borg. (and nice catch on the reference). the best i hope for is that they’re into “csi” or something.
cheraldo: glad you could get it off your chest. are you suggesting that we go without television; i.e. “sans tv” for the little one’s first few years? the little one is going to watch cub games, for sure.
amy: sadly, i am familiar with baby einstein. and the wiggles. ach. it’s brain candy. i’m sure my nephew will be just fine. but it would drive me nuts. and i couldn’t get over the fact that “thomas” was once a series of *books.* forgotten in all the noise.
teletubbies are so gay.
We miss you at SLAA. I feel neglected.
We miss you at SLAA. I feel neglected.
I had to break my 8 year old of his addiction to the nightly news. It just brought up too many questions that an 8 year old doesn’t need answered.
You’re about to become a father?! Congratulations, BF! Somehow I had assumed that your family was already complete; i.e. kids in middle school and no more planned. Shows what I know.
The possible blog topics are now guaranteed to run forever.
You’re about to become a father?! Congratulations, BF! Somehow I had assumed that your family was already complete; i.e. kids in middle school and no more planned. Shows what I know.
The possible blog topics are now guaranteed to run forever.
I had to break my 8 year old of his addiction to the nightly news. It just brought up too many questions that an 8 year old doesn’t need answered.
I had to break my 8 year old of his addiction to the nightly news. It just brought up too many questions that an 8 year old doesn’t need answered.
One way to think of this impending life change… is the baby entering your world or are you entering the baby’s world? Our kids entered our world, which is why they love the Clash, Ramones and Specials and wouldn’t know the Wiggles if they stopped by and gave a private show. They have never had McDonald’s, but the 23 month old recognizes the highway exit for our favorite pho stand. Kids are obsessive little things, may as well facilitate some obsessions that work for you… gabba gabba hey, pho anyone?
One way to think of this impending life change… is the baby entering your world or are you entering the baby’s world? Our kids entered our world, which is why they love the Clash, Ramones and Specials and wouldn’t know the Wiggles if they stopped by and gave a private show. They have never had McDonald’s, but the 23 month old recognizes the highway exit for our favorite pho stand. Kids are obsessive little things, may as well facilitate some obsessions that work for you… gabba gabba hey, pho anyone?
One way to think of this impending life change… is the baby entering your world or are you entering the baby’s world? Our kids entered our world, which is why they love the Clash, Ramones and Specials and wouldn’t know the Wiggles if they stopped by and gave a private show. They have never had McDonald’s, but the 23 month old recognizes the highway exit for our favorite pho stand. Kids are obsessive little things, may as well facilitate some obsessions that work for you… gabba gabba hey, pho anyone?
man, what can i say to all this?
man, what can i say to all this?
man, what can i say to all this?
I dunno, I kind of find the whole Thomas thing enjoyable. I mean, the fantasy is as pre-industrial, monoracial and Little Englandish as Tolkien–steam engines good, diesels bad; country good, city bad; no democracy, but a benign autocracy presided over by Sir Topham Hatt (who I think is called The Fat Controller in the less-PC original English version). So it’s kind of charming in its intentionally limited way.
Also, you do have to enjoy Alec Baldwin doing the voices: he does James as this screaming, pissy queen, and Gordon as a Mametesque mook. I keep hoping he’ll be on Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton and will get asked about that.
I dunno, I kind of find the whole Thomas thing enjoyable. I mean, the fantasy is as pre-industrial, monoracial and Little Englandish as Tolkien–steam engines good, diesels bad; country good, city bad; no democracy, but a benign autocracy presided over by Sir Topham Hatt (who I think is called The Fat Controller in the less-PC original English version). So it’s kind of charming in its intentionally limited way.
Also, you do have to enjoy Alec Baldwin doing the voices: he does James as this screaming, pissy queen, and Gordon as a Mametesque mook. I keep hoping he’ll be on Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton and will get asked about that.
I dunno, I kind of find the whole Thomas thing enjoyable. I mean, the fantasy is as pre-industrial, monoracial and Little Englandish as Tolkien–steam engines good, diesels bad; country good, city bad; no democracy, but a benign autocracy presided over by Sir Topham Hatt (who I think is called The Fat Controller in the less-PC original English version). So it’s kind of charming in its intentionally limited way.
Also, you do have to enjoy Alec Baldwin doing the voices: he does James as this screaming, pissy queen, and Gordon as a Mametesque mook. I keep hoping he’ll be on Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton and will get asked about that.
The only thing I don’t like about the show is that they portrayed diesel trains as mean. I don’t like anything that will give people one day an irrational bias against things that I like.
The only thing I don’t like about the show is that they portrayed diesel trains as mean. I don’t like anything that will give people one day an irrational bias against things that I like.
The only thing I don’t like about the show is that they portrayed diesel trains as mean. I don’t like anything that will give people one day an irrational bias against things that I like.