My vacation is sadly over,but I will not tell you of soaring mountain peaks,turquoise lakes,and waterfalls that appeared around every corner (though Wife’s pictures work well,in any case).
No,I want to tell you what I learned. But unlike the scenery in Canada’s Banff National Park,not all of it is pretty.
I learned many things,and not just that the Canadian Rockies has the world’s only triple-continental divide or that Alberta has the highest concentration of dinosaur bones on the planet. No,I learned more. Much more.
Lessons about life. About myself. And I’m going to share those lessons today.
Too bad for you.
•Recreational Vehicles are the bane of human existence. They inhale gas,pollute like mad,and,like elephants or teenagers,travel in packs,gumming up the road for miles.
However,I have a solution. A modest proposal,a la Swift. All RVs and their owners worldwide should be required to drive their vehicles into a giant crater. Once inside,the crater will be covered in dirt and hundreds of thermonuclear weapons will be detonated inside.
Evil incarnate
•Tangential to this,I learned that RV rental has become a popular way to tour the country. “CruiseAmerica”and other such outfits will rent a monster vehicle to anyone,apparently without any idea if these people are actually able to drive. Such folk seem to have a magical propensity to swerve while still going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit. They also seem to have particular trouble with turning,backing up,parking,stopping,and accelerating.
•I discovered that even in the midst of immense beauty,I am total curmudgeon.
Lake Louise — and not a postcard
•I missed writing fiction about as much as I missed George Bush,Brittney Spears,and cranial surgery. Yet upon my return,I felt an urgent need to write once again,along with voting Republican.
•On the other hand,I missed blogging about as much as I missed haircuts,steak,and movies starring Julia Roberts,which means I might have enjoyed doing so,but didn’t feel like I was missing anything. Yet upon my return,I started blogging once again. Because I am compulsive,see? Another thing that I’ve learned.
Drumheller’s Greatest Hit
•Alberta is one of the weirdest places on the planet. Mountains on one side,prairies on the other. We went to the flat,badlands-scarred Dinosaur Provincial Park and (the mountainous) Banff National Park on the same vacation. We saw the The World’s Biggest Dinosaur,in Drumheller,Alberta. It was the greatest moment of my life.
•Caught unprepared,Wife and I were captured and tried by Food Court at O’Hare airport,and were sentenced to several nauseating meals.
From this…
•Any discriminatory feelings I had towards groups of Japanese tourists were erased. It turns out that all tourists who travel in packs,no matter their country of origin,are obnoxious idiots. Americans,Canadians,Germans,British,French,French-Canadians,Chinese,Brazilians,Congolese,Israelis,Russians,it doesn’t matter. Get a group of them on a tour bus and they forget that the Great Outdoors is not a place to scream,litter,or complain loudly about the price of the skillet dinners at the Old Country Buffet.
•I could not bring myself to read fiction,as I waited in airports or rested in our hotel. Instead,I found myself engrossed in a book about Fermat’s Last Theorem,a volume previously owned by my late father,a man who loved mathematics and the mountains,who happened to honeymoon in the American Rockies. Now I’m reading another of my father’s books,also about math. I wonder what’s going on there.
…to this,all in one trip
•I learned I have tremendous self-control. In the Calgary airport,Wife and I saw Henry Winkler at our gate. I suppressed every fiber in my being and did not walk up to Mr. Winkler,thumbs up,and scream,“It’s the Fonz! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”
•The planet is screwed. We went to a glacier on the Columbia Icefield,a glacier that is melting due to global warming,and we want to see it before it retreats completely,but our attendance (via airplane and auto) only serves to accelerate global warming,which makes more tourists want to see it before it disappears,and…
•Sleeman’s Honey Brown is the best beer you’re never going to drink,stupid Americans!
You never know who you’ll see in Calgary
•I learned that if you want a job,go to Calgary,the center of Canada’s booming oil business. They’re paying fast-food workers over $10 an hour,and contractors can make six figures. The problem is that there’s no place to live. Homeless people are making $50,000 a year. Word.
•I also learned if you want a literary career,don’t go to Calgary.
•Finally,I discovered that Heaven is nature undisturbed.
•Hell is other people.
“Heaven is nature undisturbed.”
I agree.
Welcome back.
Best vacation recap ever. But I totally would have called the Fonz out. I once met Ryan Gosling (that guy from “The Notebook”) and asked him to have my baby. Self-control is a foreign concept to me.
“Heaven is nature undisturbed.”
I agree.
Welcome back.
“Heaven is nature undisturbed.”
I agree.
Welcome back.
AARGHHH! The pics with the water in them freaked me out.
*runs from the lakes!*
)
fringes:thank you for the kind words. it’s good to be back. no,not really. i want an endless vacation,truth be known.
rebecca s.:and thank you for the kind words as well. though you wouldn’t have testified to the fonz —mr. winkler really looks his age,i’m afraid. too dignified to be the fonz.
did ryan gosling take you up on your offer? he can have my baby,too.
m.e. ellis:i am trying to figure out what you meant. 1) you can’t swim. 2) you see monsters rising from the lakes 3)you don’t bathe. i’m guessing it’s 1.
welcome back!
wow,those are some nice pics. i’m not really into nature. i’m a city girl all the way. but i can appreciate cool pics.
I would be able to control myself with The Fonz,but I have other celebrities I’d totally do that to. John Waters comes to mind…
Holy crap,I need to move to Calgary,stat! Okay,I actually need to buy a car to move to Calgary,so that way the Boy and I have someplace to live while I make mad cash working at Mickey D’s.
Best vacation recap ever. But I totally would have called the Fonz out. I once met Ryan Gosling (that guy from “The Notebook”) and asked him to have my baby. Self-control is a foreign concept to me.
Best vacation recap ever. But I totally would have called the Fonz out. I once met Ryan Gosling (that guy from “The Notebook”) and asked him to have my baby. Self-control is a foreign concept to me.
Welcome back. Those pictures are stunning.
I wouldn’t have recognized Winkler if he’d been standing right in front of me. I have this weird inability to recognize anyone in person whom I’ve seen on TV or in the movies. My sister recently saw Kirstie Alley in a local convenience store and almost talked to her,but chickened out when she noticed the actress was buying tampons.
AARGHHH! The pics with the water in them freaked me out.
*runs from the lakes!*
)
AARGHHH! The pics with the water in them freaked me out.
*runs from the lakes!*
)
fringes:thank you for the kind words. it’s good to be back. no,not really. i want an endless vacation,truth be known.
rebecca s.:and thank you for the kind words as well. though you wouldn’t have testified to the fonz —mr. winkler really looks his age,i’m afraid. too dignified to be the fonz.
did ryan gosling take you up on your offer? he can have my baby,too.
m.e. ellis:i am trying to figure out what you meant. 1) you can’t swim. 2) you see monsters rising from the lakes 3)you don’t bathe. i’m guessing it’s 1.
fringes:thank you for the kind words. it’s good to be back. no,not really. i want an endless vacation,truth be known.
rebecca s.:and thank you for the kind words as well. though you wouldn’t have testified to the fonz —mr. winkler really looks his age,i’m afraid. too dignified to be the fonz.
did ryan gosling take you up on your offer? he can have my baby,too.
m.e. ellis:i am trying to figure out what you meant. 1) you can’t swim. 2) you see monsters rising from the lakes 3)you don’t bathe. i’m guessing it’s 1.
welcome back!
wow,those are some nice pics. i’m not really into nature. i’m a city girl all the way. but i can appreciate cool pics.
welcome back!
wow,those are some nice pics. i’m not really into nature. i’m a city girl all the way. but i can appreciate cool pics.
I would be able to control myself with The Fonz,but I have other celebrities I’d totally do that to. John Waters comes to mind…
Holy crap,I need to move to Calgary,stat! Okay,I actually need to buy a car to move to Calgary,so that way the Boy and I have someplace to live while I make mad cash working at Mickey D’s.
I would be able to control myself with The Fonz,but I have other celebrities I’d totally do that to. John Waters comes to mind…
Holy crap,I need to move to Calgary,stat! Okay,I actually need to buy a car to move to Calgary,so that way the Boy and I have someplace to live while I make mad cash working at Mickey D’s.
Welcome back. Those pictures are stunning.
I wouldn’t have recognized Winkler if he’d been standing right in front of me. I have this weird inability to recognize anyone in person whom I’ve seen on TV or in the movies. My sister recently saw Kirstie Alley in a local convenience store and almost talked to her,but chickened out when she noticed the actress was buying tampons.
Welcome back. Those pictures are stunning.
I wouldn’t have recognized Winkler if he’d been standing right in front of me. I have this weird inability to recognize anyone in person whom I’ve seen on TV or in the movies. My sister recently saw Kirstie Alley in a local convenience store and almost talked to her,but chickened out when she noticed the actress was buying tampons.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Erm,you did enjoy yourself,I hope?
le:i’m glad you liked the pictures,city girl and all that you are. i’m a city guy myself,but i love being in the mountains.
madame d.:what does one say to john waters? “i loved the crap eating scene in ‘pink flamingos’!”
calgary is insane right now. anybody can find work,if only they had housing. you could live in an rv,i imagine.
Erm,you did enjoy yourself,I hope?
Erm,you did enjoy yourself,I hope?
quinn:thanks for the words re:photos. i’ll tell wife,she’ll be pleased.
you wouldn’t recogize the fonz? *the fonz*? what,do you spend your time reading books or something?
double b.:thanks. good to be back. now only if i could afford a house in banff…
bernita:despite my grumbling,i had a wonderful time. i’m tanned,rested,ready.
As usual,your comments,wit,prose and sense of humor are outstanding. I really enjoyed this post.
Those pictures are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
Two years ago I went to Alaska and had the same experience.
At that time we flew up into the mountains in a helicopter and went hiking on glaciers.
What we saw from the air as well were glaciers that were dying and areas where they disappeared completely.
Scary stuff.
le:i’m glad you liked the pictures,city girl and all that you are. i’m a city guy myself,but i love being in the mountains.
madame d.:what does one say to john waters? “i loved the crap eating scene in ‘pink flamingos’!”
calgary is insane right now. anybody can find work,if only they had housing. you could live in an rv,i imagine.
le:i’m glad you liked the pictures,city girl and all that you are. i’m a city guy myself,but i love being in the mountains.
madame d.:what does one say to john waters? “i loved the crap eating scene in ‘pink flamingos’!”
calgary is insane right now. anybody can find work,if only they had housing. you could live in an rv,i imagine.
quinn:thanks for the words re:photos. i’ll tell wife,she’ll be pleased.
you wouldn’t recogize the fonz? *the fonz*? what,do you spend your time reading books or something?
double b.:thanks. good to be back. now only if i could afford a house in banff…
bernita:despite my grumbling,i had a wonderful time. i’m tanned,rested,ready.
quinn:thanks for the words re:photos. i’ll tell wife,she’ll be pleased.
you wouldn’t recogize the fonz? *the fonz*? what,do you spend your time reading books or something?
double b.:thanks. good to be back. now only if i could afford a house in banff…
bernita:despite my grumbling,i had a wonderful time. i’m tanned,rested,ready.
As usual,your comments,wit,prose and sense of humor are outstanding. I really enjoyed this post.
Those pictures are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
Two years ago I went to Alaska and had the same experience.
At that time we flew up into the mountains in a helicopter and went hiking on glaciers.
What we saw from the air as well were glaciers that were dying and areas where they disappeared completely.
Scary stuff.
As usual,your comments,wit,prose and sense of humor are outstanding. I really enjoyed this post.
Those pictures are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
Two years ago I went to Alaska and had the same experience.
At that time we flew up into the mountains in a helicopter and went hiking on glaciers.
What we saw from the air as well were glaciers that were dying and areas where they disappeared completely.
Scary stuff.
I think Henry Winkler was probably disappointed that you didn’t do ‘THE FONZ’thing. tsk…
I think Henry Winkler was probably disappointed that you didn’t do ‘THE FONZ’thing. tsk…
I think Henry Winkler was probably disappointed that you didn’t do ‘THE FONZ’thing. tsk…
Welcome back;I missed your posts. Which book on Fermat’s Last Theorem are you reading? I’ve seen a few,but they’re either dry and heavy on the math,or interesting but vague on details.
phoenix:thank wife for the beautiful pictures. i messed up the video.
it is frightening what is happening with the environment —but nobody wants to do anything about it.
mademoiselle sand:bonjour. i don’t know if the fonz was disappointed that i didn’t go “aiiiiiii!”because i’m sure a million others have gone before and done me.
language lover:thank you for the nice words. it’s good to be back.
i read “fermat’s enigma”by simon singh. some of the math got a little heavy,but nothing impossible. better yet,he writes beautifully and has a great sense of history. characters come to life,etc. terriffic read.
Welcome back;I missed your posts. Which book on Fermat’s Last Theorem are you reading? I’ve seen a few,but they’re either dry and heavy on the math,or interesting but vague on details.
Welcome back;I missed your posts. Which book on Fermat’s Last Theorem are you reading? I’ve seen a few,but they’re either dry and heavy on the math,or interesting but vague on details.
phoenix:thank wife for the beautiful pictures. i messed up the video.
it is frightening what is happening with the environment —but nobody wants to do anything about it.
mademoiselle sand:bonjour. i don’t know if the fonz was disappointed that i didn’t go “aiiiiiii!”because i’m sure a million others have gone before and done me.
language lover:thank you for the nice words. it’s good to be back.
i read “fermat’s enigma”by simon singh. some of the math got a little heavy,but nothing impossible. better yet,he writes beautifully and has a great sense of history. characters come to life,etc. terriffic read.
phoenix:thank wife for the beautiful pictures. i messed up the video.
it is frightening what is happening with the environment —but nobody wants to do anything about it.
mademoiselle sand:bonjour. i don’t know if the fonz was disappointed that i didn’t go “aiiiiiii!”because i’m sure a million others have gone before and done me.
language lover:thank you for the nice words. it’s good to be back.
i read “fermat’s enigma”by simon singh. some of the math got a little heavy,but nothing impossible. better yet,he writes beautifully and has a great sense of history. characters come to life,etc. terriffic read.