Wife told me she needed absolute quiet. She was facing a deadline and could not be disturbed, and even if I tried, she would be in an intellectual trance, a meditative hibernation of pure creative thought. Any attempts to bother her would be fruitless.
But I knew better. "All I have to do is dance around naked with a fake violin and a Joshua Bell mask," I said.
"You’re right," she said, sighing, drifting into wonderful thoughts that had nothing to do with me.
I didn’t dance naked while wearing such a mask — dancing naked worked just fine — but the larger point is that Joshua Bell, a famous fiddler who headlines concert halls across the world, has, in short order, taken over my wife’s heart and is putting a dear strain on our blessed union.
Wife "discovered" Bell a few years ago, and her passing fancy for this handsome fellow is wavering towards the "obsession" side of the Celebrity Crush-o-Meter. In the past eight months, Wife has gone to see him at least three times in concert and once at a bookstore appearance, and probably several other times in secret. Nary a day goes by in which I do not hear music blasting in our home that originates from Mr. Bell’s precious "Strad."
Admittedly, I think the guy is obscenely talented, I enjoy his concerts thoroughly, and from what I have heard of him interviewed, he seems like a genuinely nice person.
I don’t try to stop Wife. But maybe I should. She brings him up in casual conversation ("Joshua is playing next week…"), endlessly promotes him to friends ("You must see him!"), and stops strangers on the street, looking them in the eye and saying, "I wish you could see J.B." (Yeah, she calls him "J.B." Like they’re best buds).
But I’ve got her racket figured out. There are older, more accomplished violinists (Itzhak Perlman), violinists who are as young and are considered perhaps as talented (Gil Shaham), or some who are at least as well-known (Anne-Sophie Mutter, Midori, Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg, Sarah Chang). If you don’t see the differences between these violinists and Joshua Bell, you haven’t been paying attention: Bell is younger than Perlman, cuter than Shaham, and, unlike the quartet of ladies mentioned above, has more than one bow to play with.
Let us not underestimate the handsome factor. If Bell looked like, say, the late, great Marty Feldman or an animated corpse lacking a heart or soul, Wife would have about as much interest in "Joshua" as I would in shagging Tammy Faye Baker (which, I promise you, is none). Wife would not have Joshua Bell’s autograph on her CD of Tchaikovsky’s violin concerto and would not be bothering me to see a Joshua Bell concert following an out-of-town wedding this summer.
Homebreaker
Nor is there any doubt that if Joshua Bell weren’t such a heartbreaker would he command the devoted affection of legions of females. Joshua Bell is the Elvis, the Beatles and Bono of classical music. Go to a concert and you will be surrounded by women — lots of women, of all ages, all swooning and filling seats that would have gone empty otherwise. Check out the many fan sites and blogs devoted to "Bellheads," who follow him with the same fervor as Deadheads following around Jerry Garcia, except Bellheads have jobs and bother to bathe more than once a month.
I would also say that if Joshua Bell were a writer, no matter how talented, I would have a hard time being a fan. No reflection on any specific writer (or reader, for that matter, or Wife), but those fiction peddlers who also happen to be attractive are not to be trusted. Why, you ask? Anthony Lane, the brilliant wisenheimer literary and film critic for The New Yorker, put things succinctly when he said that if one is pretty, one usually has little reason to complain, and thus nothing to write about:
My idea of a dependable writer is Flaubert, who looked like a dugong with a head cold, or George Eliot, who bore a surprising resemblance to last year’s winner of the Kentucky Derby.
Off the top of my head, I can think of several well-known writers of both sexes who are reasonably attractive and who I consider excellent talents, but I would bet a trainload of banknotes that they just didn’t start writing fiction because they thought they were good at it. Something bothers them, eats at them, whether from childhood or adolescence.
That’s what I’m talkin’ about
Does anyone who is beautiful, wealthy, well-adjusted, and happy suddenly wake up at age 30 and say, "I’m going to write the next ‘Ulysses’?"
This insight into the world of letters gives me no relief, of course. J.B, please do me a favor. Write a letter to Wife, in care of Bookfraud, and say that you’re gy, even though you’re not, not that there’s nothing wrong. Please. It’s my last, desperate measure. After all the money this household has spent supporting your career, It’s the least you can do to save my marriage.
Geez, bookfraud — you’re digging your own grave over there. Seriously!
And I take back the Brian is Gross comment because he knows where I live. He’s gonna ruin all my fun if I’m not careful.
I’m gonna rent that pillow movie. There’s not one single bit of illicitly exposed flesh in the Star Wars movies. What was Lucas thinking? Where is Obi-Wan’s light saber? Enquiring minds want to know!
Geez, bookfraud — you’re digging your own grave over there. Seriously!
And I take back the Brian is Gross comment because he knows where I live. He’s gonna ruin all my fun if I’m not careful.
I’m gonna rent that pillow movie. There’s not one single bit of illicitly exposed flesh in the Star Wars movies. What was Lucas thinking? Where is Obi-Wan’s light saber? Enquiring minds want to know!
I have always argued that happy people do not create. My husband does not buy it and keeps insisting on trying to make me happy.
Now you introduce an entire new level to this miserable=creative equation. Ugly + miserable=talented. Me, with my statuesque figure, flowing blond locks, and pouty lips, I am totally screwed. Might as well pick up accounting.
I have always argued that happy people do not create. My husband does not buy it and keeps insisting on trying to make me happy.
Now you introduce an entire new level to this miserable=creative equation. Ugly + miserable=talented. Me, with my statuesque figure, flowing blond locks, and pouty lips, I am totally screwed. Might as well pick up accounting.
Lies! All lies!
I don’t see what the big deal is so he’s cute. Way too young. I perfer my men older, tall, and over weight.
Lies! All lies!
Lies! All lies!
DB-hah!
I prefer mine older and tall, to be sure.
And looking like George Clooney, if at all possible.
I don’t see what the big deal is so he’s cute. Way too young. I perfer my men older, tall, and over weight.
I don’t see what the big deal is so he’s cute. Way too young. I perfer my men older, tall, and over weight.
DB-hah!
I prefer mine older and tall, to be sure.
And looking like George Clooney, if at all possible.
DB-hah!
I prefer mine older and tall, to be sure.
And looking like George Clooney, if at all possible.
michele: i have that “digging one’s own grave” talent down cold.
alex: i don’t think you have to be ugly and miserable to be talented; miserable will suffice. but if you’re ugly, you’re more likely to be miserable, sorry to say.
sorry that you’re screwed.
wife: that’s it. no more crock pot cooking from me.
doublebagger: there’s no accounting for taste, and being that i am a straight male, when it comes to men, i have none. jb might be tall, though. give him a few years, and he’ll be older and fat as well.
madame d.: we all can’t look like george clooney. but in a fight, i could totally take him.
classicist: went to zuill’s site; now that is rock-star hair. i’ve never seen a mane so devine on a muscian, save for martha argerich. or itzak perlman.
How about cellist Z- B-? Nice hair.
michele: i have that “digging one’s own grave” talent down cold.
alex: i don’t think you have to be ugly and miserable to be talented; miserable will suffice. but if you’re ugly, you’re more likely to be miserable, sorry to say.
sorry that you’re screwed.
wife: that’s it. no more crock pot cooking from me.
michele: i have that “digging one’s own grave” talent down cold.
alex: i don’t think you have to be ugly and miserable to be talented; miserable will suffice. but if you’re ugly, you’re more likely to be miserable, sorry to say.
sorry that you’re screwed.
wife: that’s it. no more crock pot cooking from me.
doublebagger: there’s no accounting for taste, and being that i am a straight male, when it comes to men, i have none. jb might be tall, though. give him a few years, and he’ll be older and fat as well.
madame d.: we all can’t look like george clooney. but in a fight, i could totally take him.
classicist: went to zuill’s site; now that is rock-star hair. i’ve never seen a mane so devine on a muscian, save for martha argerich. or itzak perlman.
doublebagger: there’s no accounting for taste, and being that i am a straight male, when it comes to men, i have none. jb might be tall, though. give him a few years, and he’ll be older and fat as well.
madame d.: we all can’t look like george clooney. but in a fight, i could totally take him.
classicist: went to zuill’s site; now that is rock-star hair. i’ve never seen a mane so devine on a muscian, save for martha argerich. or itzak perlman.
There is no worry needed in this case, I think. From my experience, most women first got attracted by JB?s good looking. But after they really fall in love with his music, they will forget about his look; furthermore, they are really annoyed by the ?one of the 50 most beautiful people? remark.
“HOMEBREAKER” LOL
I know how she feels, I have been getting all hot and heavy over the the four chicks who play classical music with sex appeal.
anon.: but i do worry. you see, it wasn’t jb’s looks that first attracted wife, it was his fiddlin’. then she fell in love with his looks. i’m cooked.
but the “50 most beautiful people” thing is annoying. especially because i wasn’t in it.
phoenix: you wouldn’t be talking about the group that calls itself “bond” would you?
well, at least they get people listening to schubert. check out the ahn trio as well?
There is no worry needed in this case, I think. From my experience, most women first got attracted by JB?s good looking. But after they really fall in love with his music, they will forget about his look; furthermore, they are really annoyed by the ?one of the 50 most beautiful people? remark.
There is no worry needed in this case, I think. From my experience, most women first got attracted by JB?s good looking. But after they really fall in love with his music, they will forget about his look; furthermore, they are really annoyed by the ?one of the 50 most beautiful people? remark.
“HOMEBREAKER” LOL
I know how she feels, I have been getting all hot and heavy over the the four chicks who play classical music with sex appeal.
“HOMEBREAKER” LOL
I know how she feels, I have been getting all hot and heavy over the the four chicks who play classical music with sex appeal.
anon.: but i do worry. you see, it wasn’t jb’s looks that first attracted wife, it was his fiddlin’. then she fell in love with his looks. i’m cooked.
but the “50 most beautiful people” thing is annoying. especially because i wasn’t in it.
phoenix: you wouldn’t be talking about the group that calls itself “bond” would you?
well, at least they get people listening to schubert. check out the ahn trio as well?
anon.: but i do worry. you see, it wasn’t jb’s looks that first attracted wife, it was his fiddlin’. then she fell in love with his looks. i’m cooked.
but the “50 most beautiful people” thing is annoying. especially because i wasn’t in it.
phoenix: you wouldn’t be talking about the group that calls itself “bond” would you?
well, at least they get people listening to schubert. check out the ahn trio as well?
Them’s the ones. Ohfa.
Them’s the ones. Ohfa.
Them’s the ones. Ohfa.
Would it help to know that Joshua Bell is married with a son? Would that deter the hoards of women breaking off their marriages for J.B.? He has a damn good staff hiding that fact…
Would it help to know that Joshua Bell is married with a son? Would that deter the hoards of women breaking off their marriages for J.B.? He has a damn good staff hiding that fact…
Would it help to know that Joshua Bell is married with a son? Would that deter the hoards of women breaking off their marriages for J.B.? He has a damn good staff hiding that fact…
This is eerily similar to what I’m going through. I would be Wife in this case. =(
Kari S: Glad to be of service.