My life has gotten interesting since I signed up for e-mail.
For instance, a week ago I had a dream in which I played baseball on a day that was extremely HOT; HOUSEWIVES were in the crowd. I hit the ball STRONG AND SUPER LONG. If I’d hit the ball an EXTRA 6 INCHES!!! I would have gone ALL THE WAY. We live in the country, but a good night’s sleep for me is a MIRACLE. “COCKS-a-doodle doo!” the rooster beckoned at 4 a.m.
The next day was Sunday, and my wife and I went to church. After services, I asked the reverend if I could become a lay minister. “A position of LAY? VIA GRAham FOR YOU,” he said. “I mean, through Billy Graham’s ministry.”
Sing, heavenly muse
We went home and watched a documentary on AMAZON PHISHING DANGERS. The natives were NAKED; CELEBRITIES hosted the show. We switched the station to a show where a drug deal was going down in a shopping mall. A character yelled, “You want me to PAY? PAL, SECURITY NOTICES everything.”
The next day, before I went to work, I put on my FREE IPOD!!! , and played Atomic Kitten’s CAN’T MISS THIS, the Talking Heads’ ONCE IN A LIFETIME, and Elvis Costello’s OPPORTUNITY. Usually, when I go to work, I have a CLEAR, HARD DRIVE. NOW! I couldn’t because the car’s acceleration was LIMP; DIPSTICK? readings showed the oil was low.
I took the train instead. The commute was great, because the train fares had GREAT LOW RATES! But the crossword puzzle was as HARDER AND LONGER than the day before. I read a newspaper story about endangered eagles, which were BALD. NO MORE! would the GOVERNMENT AGENCY WATCH over them.
Next to me, a fellow was reading about a hatchery that never delivered its goods to poultry farms, leaving the birds high and dry. It was actually a BOOK. “FRAUD: CHICKS ARE WAITING,” it was called.
I struck up a conversation with the man next to me. He was a businessman. “I own a MEXICAN PHARMACY and sell CANADIAN DRUGS,” he said. The new locale had 500% MORE VOLUME than his old place.
There was turmoil when I got into the office. People were bothering me, they just wouldn’t let me BE. MY OWN BOSS was even yelling and screaming. I was working on a project of involving Colorado’s biggest airport, so I did a search on YaHOO!: “DIA WEIGHT; LOSS ratios,” I typed in.
At lunch, I went to the diner across the street, only to remember that it had been accused of serving cat meat. I didn’t want to EAT PUSSY even if the owner said she would LOVE ME FOR IT, so I went somewhere else. At the other place, the waitress brought me soup that was really STEAMING. “MAN, CHOWDER is great!” I said.
I dropped my cash on the floor. “Pick that up,” the waitress said. “NO MONEY DOWN!” But after I had eaten, I thought I was going to be sick. The waitress said, “I can’t give you cash back, but I’ll admit, your food is BAD. CREDIT?”
I also went to a house wares store. I wanted to buy a hammer, so I asked if they had one in STOCK. “PRICES LOWER than ever before,” they said. Instead I bought some gloves that were made of STEEL. “HARD ON the hands, aren’t they?” the manager said. I also bought a bedspread for my wife so large that I could COVER HER IN IT.
Back at my desk, I listened to a ESPN radio interview by a guy named Joe Moneypenny interviewed a former basketball player, World B. FREE. “MONEY, AT HOME there’s lots of ladies for this playa,” he said.
I couldn’t leave work fast enough that day. I’m in community theater, and after work, I went to an audition. But I stood on stage and did nothing. The casting director, pressed for time, yelled, “ACT NOW! YOU HAVE TO ACT NOW!” But I didn’t get the part of the Minotaur because I couldn’t BE HORNY ON DEMAND.
As I was walking home, Wife called me and said she’d cooked a big meal at home, so I should CUM HUNGRY. Dinner was delicious, but I wanted to give my food to people who were hungry, especially WOMEN WHO NEED IT BAD. They have full households to take care of.
When I got home, my wife had a surprise for me — a new pet, a 20-foot boa constrictor. He was angry looking, but I was so happy that I had THE LONGEST MOST INTENSE ORGAniSM EVER.
That night, I went online. “You have no messages,” it said.
BE SURE AND E-MAIL THIS TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW.
Well I hope this is not too forward, but I’m fairly certain this entry can mean nothing else except:
you are a genius.
Well I hope this is not too forward, but I’m fairly certain this entry can mean nothing else except:
you are a genius.
Well I hope this is not too forward, but I’m fairly certain this entry can mean nothing else except:
you are a genius.
You’re hysterical!
really glad you’re back to blogging more regularly
somegirl: thank you for the nice words. but though i am many things, genius is not one of them. i have my moments. however.
glitz: ty. glad to know someone is reading the damn thing.
You’re hysterical!
really glad you’re back to blogging more regularly
You’re hysterical!
really glad you’re back to blogging more regularly
somegirl: thank you for the nice words. but though i am many things, genius is not one of them. i have my moments. however.
glitz: ty. glad to know someone is reading the damn thing.
somegirl: thank you for the nice words. but though i am many things, genius is not one of them. i have my moments. however.
glitz: ty. glad to know someone is reading the damn thing.
you are a grade-A smartypants! i loved this…
Bookfraud, i have the Bank of Nigeria on the phone for you!!
very nice.
beez: it will be the only thing i have gotten an “a” in. and send this to everybody.
michelle: and i have $50 million for you if you can wire me $29,000 to hold it.
maya: thank you.
you are a grade-A smartypants! i loved this…
you are a grade-A smartypants! i loved this…
Bookfraud, i have the Bank of Nigeria on the phone for you!!
Bookfraud, i have the Bank of Nigeria on the phone for you!!
very nice.
very nice.
beez: it will be the only thing i have gotten an “a” in. and send this to everybody.
michelle: and i have $50 million for you if you can wire me $29,000 to hold it.
maya: thank you.
beez: it will be the only thing i have gotten an “a” in. and send this to everybody.
michelle: and i have $50 million for you if you can wire me $29,000 to hold it.
maya: thank you.
roflmfaoooooooooo!
I don’t even know what to say, other than “hilarious.”
Have you considered trying to knock Sedaris off his throne? I think you have a knack for written comedy . . .
roflmfaoooooooooo!
roflmfaoooooooooo!
michelle: don’t hurt yourself, now.
ep: i am about as close to knocking david sedaris off his throne as (to use a literary simile) our fair president reading all of plato’s works. in greek. it’s sedaris’ world and we’re lucky to live in it.
I don’t even know what to say, other than “hilarious.”
Have you considered trying to knock Sedaris off his throne? I think you have a knack for written comedy . . .
I don’t even know what to say, other than “hilarious.”
Have you considered trying to knock Sedaris off his throne? I think you have a knack for written comedy . . .
STOP IT! You’re going to give Them ideas. That’s the next step, you know. Spamming our dreams. I thought that was the last safe refuge but now, thanks to your “humorous little posting,” I’m sure They’ve got R&D working on a way to do this.
Hmmm…. dream spam…. I feel a short story coming on…
michelle: don’t hurt yourself, now.
ep: i am about as close to knocking david sedaris off his throne as (to use a literary simile) our fair president reading all of plato’s works. in greek. it’s sedaris’ world and we’re lucky to live in it.
michelle: don’t hurt yourself, now.
ep: i am about as close to knocking david sedaris off his throne as (to use a literary simile) our fair president reading all of plato’s works. in greek. it’s sedaris’ world and we’re lucky to live in it.
STOP IT! You’re going to give Them ideas. That’s the next step, you know. Spamming our dreams. I thought that was the last safe refuge but now, thanks to your “humorous little posting,” I’m sure They’ve got R&D working on a way to do this.
Hmmm…. dream spam…. I feel a short story coming on…
STOP IT! You’re going to give Them ideas. That’s the next step, you know. Spamming our dreams. I thought that was the last safe refuge but now, thanks to your “humorous little posting,” I’m sure They’ve got R&D working on a way to do this.
Hmmm…. dream spam…. I feel a short story coming on…
I recently won the British Lottery, too. Four million pounds. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.
brian f.: hate to tell you this, but they have been on the case for some time. when people start renting out their foreheads for advertisting, there is no refuge anymore.
collin: four million quid! blimey! with the dollar doing so well with our current economic guardians, 4 million pounds sterling is worth about $700 million u.s.! wow!
I recently won the British Lottery, too. Four million pounds. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.
I recently won the British Lottery, too. Four million pounds. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.
brian f.: hate to tell you this, but they have been on the case for some time. when people start renting out their foreheads for advertisting, there is no refuge anymore.
collin: four million quid! blimey! with the dollar doing so well with our current economic guardians, 4 million pounds sterling is worth about $700 million u.s.! wow!
brian f.: hate to tell you this, but they have been on the case for some time. when people start renting out their foreheads for advertisting, there is no refuge anymore.
collin: four million quid! blimey! with the dollar doing so well with our current economic guardians, 4 million pounds sterling is worth about $700 million u.s.! wow!
Wow, I’m amazed that no naked grannies were cavorting.
They seem to like me.
And want me to have a bigger, better cock.
My rooster’s just fine, thanks.
Wow, I’m amazed that no naked grannies were cavorting.
They seem to like me.
And want me to have a bigger, better cock.
My rooster’s just fine, thanks.
Wow, I’m amazed that no naked grannies were cavorting.
They seem to like me.
And want me to have a bigger, better cock.
My rooster’s just fine, thanks.
madame d.: i didn’t include the e-mail from grannytrannies.com, but feel free to share.
we all could use a little more “down there.” and with a new miracle treatment, the dream is now a reality.
madame d.: i didn’t include the e-mail from grannytrannies.com, but feel free to share.
we all could use a little more “down there.” and with a new miracle treatment, the dream is now a reality.
madame d.: i didn’t include the e-mail from grannytrannies.com, but feel free to share.
we all could use a little more “down there.” and with a new miracle treatment, the dream is now a reality.